Today is one of my brothers birthdays. He is the bomb! (They both are!) He is a caring person who loves his family greatly. He's struggled with things in life, but you can see him pressing forward, striving to be a better man. He loves his wife (me, too!!) and she loves him and they have a solid marriage. While there have been ups and downs, they are a team. And you can tell. He loves his kids and you can definitely tell when daddy is home! He has a passion for his pursuits and it's contagious. I just love him!! Happy Birthday tall little brother!
Once upon a time, a girl got her wish and a little brother was born.
She dressed him up - in dresses of course - and showed him how to roller skate.
Later she taught him how to dance. Then he went off to school and came back and taught her how to dance.
They fought - as good siblings do - but they had each others back. They could talk bad about each other, but no one else could.
When the girl and her brother grew up, they grew apart. Distance took them into new worlds and new ways.
But life has a way of creating good things. They moved closer, spent holidays together and learned how to play.
Today they are still separated by distance, but not by love. Love is there to stay.
Not the end. ;)
Monday, January 4, 2016
Jan 3 - End of Vacation
It's the end of the Holiday season and it's time to go back to reality. And for the first time in a long long time, I'm less stressed and more at peace. While I'm not setting resolutions this year, I didn't have some quiet time while the kids were with their dad to contemplate things I wanted to do this year, books I wanted to read….and write, ways I could have my house functioning better, etc. So I have little mini plans and that makes the end of a great season doable. Because, lets be honest. If you don't have family around, the holidays can be depressing. Once all the family leaves, depressing. Not getting the gift you wanted, depressing. Not getting any gift - REALLY depressing. Eating til you can't walk, then swimming in the "guilt" of it - depressing. PS - DON'T!! Don't guilt about your eating. Did you enjoy it?! I did!! And there is no guilt! So no getting depressed about it.
So we have all these things that can make us depressed over the holidays. In come resolutions to save the day - because not many of us want to swim around in misery forever. So whether you have resolute things you are going to change in your life, or small ways to help your house function better, Happiest of New Years.
Alisha
So we have all these things that can make us depressed over the holidays. In come resolutions to save the day - because not many of us want to swim around in misery forever. So whether you have resolute things you are going to change in your life, or small ways to help your house function better, Happiest of New Years.
Alisha
Jan 2 - Resolutions
I used to be a huge fan of resolutions, with my list comprising something in every aspect of my life. And like so many others, every year would bring little mini disappointments when most of them dropped off my radar and didn't get done. Although it was one here and one there, I never realized how much it was effecting my self esteem. I was such a "failure" and this year was going to be The year, etc. etc. When things started to click, I decided to curve my resolutions towards things I was already doing. I was going to continue to do this or that. It worked, but I wasn't pressing forward as much. And that brought its own "failures" along with it.
Now, I'm a happier, healthier person and I DON'T set resolutions. Because I like who I am (even if I have to repeatedly tell myself that over and over and over). And I like the direction my life is headed. And I'm content. I'm moving forward, but not stressing about it and I'm not beating myself esteem to a pulp with my believed failures. Because they weren't failures. They were ways to learn and grow.
Now, I'm a happier, healthier person and I DON'T set resolutions. Because I like who I am (even if I have to repeatedly tell myself that over and over and over). And I like the direction my life is headed. And I'm content. I'm moving forward, but not stressing about it and I'm not beating myself esteem to a pulp with my believed failures. Because they weren't failures. They were ways to learn and grow.
Friday, January 1, 2016
My first 365 project - A page a day
For the first time in my life, I'm doing a 365 project - a page a day. So I will be writing here on this blog for my page a days. Some posts will be book related, some will be journaling & some will be gibberish to get in that page. Plus, in a blog format, I can write anywhere at anytime - as long as I have wifi!
So Happy New Years! Here's the first children's book I've written. I'm still working on illustrations.
Piper & Jackson and The Loose Tooth
by Alisha Clayson
So Happy New Years! Here's the first children's book I've written. I'm still working on illustrations.
Piper & Jackson and The Loose Tooth
by Alisha Clayson
Mama says my tooth needs to come out soon. It’s been wigglin for days. Mama says that when this tooth comes out, I can put it under my pillow and the tooth fairy will leave me a surprise. I’m not so sure about that, cause the tooth fairy lives in the next town. How’s she know my tooth’s comin out? But Mama says.
Jackson thinks he should help me pull it out. Just cause he’s older than me by 15 minutes doesn’t make him the boss. He thinks that I should let him tie a string around my tooth and then tie the other end around a door and slam the door shut. Does he think I’m crazy?
Daddy says to let him just pull it out; with his fingers! He wants to just reach in and pull it out. I don’t want his fingers in my mouth. In fact, I don’t want anything in my mouth.
Everyone says my tooth needs to come out. But I like it. It’s my tooth. I don’t want the tooth fairy to have it. I don’t want Mama or Daddy to help. I definitely don’t want Jackson to help. I think I’ll just go to bed and not worry about it right now.
This morning, when I woke up, my tooth was really loose. I went the bathroom and looked at my tooth in the mirror. It sure did wiggle a bunch. In fact, it wiggled so much, it wiggled right out of my mouth and down the drain of the sink. Hm. Guess nobody will be gettin my tooth now.
Daddy tried to get the tooth out of the drain, but it slipped further down. Mama says that the tooth fairy will still leave me a surprise. Jackson said it might not be a good one, cause there’s no tooth to put under the pillow. He just laughed and laughed. He called me ‘Snaggle-tooth.’ What ever that means. (picture of her thinking about a saber-tooth tiger)
I was sad the whole day. I didn’t want to lose my tooth. It was mine. But now the drain has it. I wonder if I can get it back. Maybe I can use Daddy’s tools. After all, my hands are smaller than his.
(Illustrations)
(1. Her head disappears in the box of tools, 2. oversized wrench in hand trying to take off sink pipe, 3. water spraying out of sink all over the bathroom, 4. Mama standing there with hands on hips and frowning and Piper trying to hide wrench behind back)
Mama says that naughty little girls get to go to their rooms for the rest of the day. I didn’t mean to blow water all over the bathroom. I just wanted my tooth back. But Mama says.
All this trouble for a little ‘ol tooth. I know teeth are for eatin and smilin, but I don’t see why they have to fall out. Jackson says we need big teeth to eat bigger things and smile bigger. I kindof like being small. I fell asleep while I was waitin for Mama to tell me I could get out of time out.
When I woke up, there was somethin hard under my pillow. It was a small mirror; the prettiest mirror I’d ever seen. On the handle was a tiny note that said:
“Piper, I found your tooth in a drain. I put it with all the others. I hope you enjoy the mirror. You can practice your pretty little smile. - Love, the Tooth fairy”
Maybe losin’ a tooth ain’t so bad.
The End
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Adoption Journey- Part 10 - Hope, A Promise and Waiting
It took me a month or so to start looking online again. I'd glance at the profiles I'd seen a hundred times and think 'nope, that's not my kid(s)'. A new sibling group would come online or a new child and I'd open their profiles with anticipation. But after you've read hundreds of profiles, you start learning to read between the lines. Some of these kids would have fit easily into our home. Others wouldn't.
But none felt right.
In Mid-October, I opened the website and the first sibling group on there was new. And they were young. And I was scared. :/ I requested their info and less than 24 hours later received it. Here's what I got....
J, S, M & G were taken from their home two years ago. They have an older brother (an 8 yo) who's already been adopted before they were born. J is 6. He's 6 months younger than my youngest. S is 4 and the only girl in the group. There was a specific request put in the paperwork that if the family wanted this group, they needed to know for sure that this family wanted a girl, too. M & G are tow year old twins (3 in December). They have lived in the hospital at birth and their foster home since. Biological mom and dad were never in the picture.
Other pluses - only 1 foster home. And these foster parents specifically requested to be a "support" role or like a grandparent for these children - so we know that the foster parents don't want to adopt them. Along those lines, they haven't been bounced around between different sets of parents.
I could go on and on about these kids, but that's not the point of this blog. The points are these: My daughter is willing to share her bedroom with S. A huge deal considering my daughter has had a room to herself most of her life and her and S would be 9 years apart. Another point - my oldest son has not liked a single choice we've made since starting. He's felt (strongly) that he needs a playmate his age, or an older brother. He hasn't wanted another sister, either. With this group, however, he's completely and unconditionally accepted them. Without question. No complaints, no problems. Huh. My youngest son has wanted a playmate. With this group he'd practically have a twin. He's thrilled that he'll have someone to play with since his older brothers currently leave him out of many activities. Our middle son.....hmmm, that quote that goes something like "A man is an island." Yea, that's him. He likes to do his own thing. I wouldn't call it selfish, just self directed. His younger brother has been so independent, that he's never had to play a strong "big brother" role. Now he's talking about being helpful and 'when the new kids come I'll.....' and has emotionally step up. It's been incredible. Then there's Scott, who along this journey has really relied on me to make most of the calls. He made the call on these guys first. Not me, him.
So now, I have everyone in my family supporting the decision to request these kiddos and I'm.......freaking out! :) It's suddenly real. It's not a fantasy or an excitement you feel right before opening Christmas presents. It's freaking me out. 8 kids! What the bleep! 8!! How am I going to do the laundry different? Where can I get a bigger table, or get the missing leaf for the table I have? I'll need more chairs. I'll have to baby proof for real. Oh, no...the car! It only seats 8 (including driver), not 10. I couldn't even haul all the kids in it, much less the whole family. What other cars are there? What about church? We'd take up the entire pew! And would they be reverent? What about school? These little guys are still at home and have some special needs to be considered. Of course I have all the pre-school curriculum still, but where am I going to put it? How is my daily schedule going to run? How am I going to run?!!!? And how on earth am I going to be able to tell them about having 3 mothers?
I took this one to the Lord, in the temple. Father, how am I going to tell these 4 beautiful spirits that they had three mothers, when they can't understand why they aren't with their first or second. The answer?.....write a book about it. I've started that book. It's in the works. And whether it's self published, just to help these kiddos understand, or sent around the world to help others, I'm good.
And then, after all the questions (and they keep coming) there came the peace. A sweet all encompassing peace. It was going to be ok. Sure there were going to be crazy hectic manic days, but it was the right thing to do. These kids are young like the previous group we'd requested, but there were additional bonuses. I'd always wanted twins. Always. Now, I was practically getting 2 sets. I really wanted another girl. C is so incredibly independent, that I've always wanted a little girl that would let me do her hair and would cuddle with me. C will have fun dressing her up, that's for sure!
Now, this is something small, but large in spectrum. All of kids have biblical names. I'd never really planned it that way, but after is just started happening, I realized how great it was going to be. When my kids were struggling, I could go to the scriptures and point to their namesakes and show them how these great men and women over came great trials and how much faith they had. It's become something I cherished. In the back of my mind, I knew I'd have to re-evaluate this naming/scripture process when we got kids that didn't have biblical names. I knew I'd have to take a different approach to it and I was prepared and ready to do it. But these 4 kiddos (and their already adopted older brother) all have biblical names. Strong names. Good names that have righteous examples written down in a timeless book for them (and me) to draw strength and faith from. Another example of Heavenly Father smiling down on me.
Do we know yet if these kids will be ours? No. Not yet. Do we hope for it? Yes, but this time I'm a little more level headed about it. If it's not these kids, then it'll be another child or group. I know what I've felt. I know that I am a mother and that just because my body wouldn't survive another birth doesn't mean I won't have more children.
There is hope. And we've promised to comfort those that stand in need of comfort and cloth the naked and care for the poor, widows and orphans, or those with really sucky biological parents. We promised to do that. And we will. For now we wait. We plan Christmas and camping trips and next summers vacation and baseball and track and theatre. And I continue to get my house in order and my life and maybe continue to look into going back to school for my Masters. We'll see. :)
*******The above entry was written in late fall 2012. On Christmas eve (2012) we received a letter that these 4 kids were going to a different family, a family with no children in the home. We were sad, but kept it in perspective. Since then, things have been utterly turned upside down. - more on that later. :)*********
But none felt right.
In Mid-October, I opened the website and the first sibling group on there was new. And they were young. And I was scared. :/ I requested their info and less than 24 hours later received it. Here's what I got....
J, S, M & G were taken from their home two years ago. They have an older brother (an 8 yo) who's already been adopted before they were born. J is 6. He's 6 months younger than my youngest. S is 4 and the only girl in the group. There was a specific request put in the paperwork that if the family wanted this group, they needed to know for sure that this family wanted a girl, too. M & G are tow year old twins (3 in December). They have lived in the hospital at birth and their foster home since. Biological mom and dad were never in the picture.
Other pluses - only 1 foster home. And these foster parents specifically requested to be a "support" role or like a grandparent for these children - so we know that the foster parents don't want to adopt them. Along those lines, they haven't been bounced around between different sets of parents.
I could go on and on about these kids, but that's not the point of this blog. The points are these: My daughter is willing to share her bedroom with S. A huge deal considering my daughter has had a room to herself most of her life and her and S would be 9 years apart. Another point - my oldest son has not liked a single choice we've made since starting. He's felt (strongly) that he needs a playmate his age, or an older brother. He hasn't wanted another sister, either. With this group, however, he's completely and unconditionally accepted them. Without question. No complaints, no problems. Huh. My youngest son has wanted a playmate. With this group he'd practically have a twin. He's thrilled that he'll have someone to play with since his older brothers currently leave him out of many activities. Our middle son.....hmmm, that quote that goes something like "A man is an island." Yea, that's him. He likes to do his own thing. I wouldn't call it selfish, just self directed. His younger brother has been so independent, that he's never had to play a strong "big brother" role. Now he's talking about being helpful and 'when the new kids come I'll.....' and has emotionally step up. It's been incredible. Then there's Scott, who along this journey has really relied on me to make most of the calls. He made the call on these guys first. Not me, him.
So now, I have everyone in my family supporting the decision to request these kiddos and I'm.......freaking out! :) It's suddenly real. It's not a fantasy or an excitement you feel right before opening Christmas presents. It's freaking me out. 8 kids! What the bleep! 8!! How am I going to do the laundry different? Where can I get a bigger table, or get the missing leaf for the table I have? I'll need more chairs. I'll have to baby proof for real. Oh, no...the car! It only seats 8 (including driver), not 10. I couldn't even haul all the kids in it, much less the whole family. What other cars are there? What about church? We'd take up the entire pew! And would they be reverent? What about school? These little guys are still at home and have some special needs to be considered. Of course I have all the pre-school curriculum still, but where am I going to put it? How is my daily schedule going to run? How am I going to run?!!!? And how on earth am I going to be able to tell them about having 3 mothers?
I took this one to the Lord, in the temple. Father, how am I going to tell these 4 beautiful spirits that they had three mothers, when they can't understand why they aren't with their first or second. The answer?.....write a book about it. I've started that book. It's in the works. And whether it's self published, just to help these kiddos understand, or sent around the world to help others, I'm good.
And then, after all the questions (and they keep coming) there came the peace. A sweet all encompassing peace. It was going to be ok. Sure there were going to be crazy hectic manic days, but it was the right thing to do. These kids are young like the previous group we'd requested, but there were additional bonuses. I'd always wanted twins. Always. Now, I was practically getting 2 sets. I really wanted another girl. C is so incredibly independent, that I've always wanted a little girl that would let me do her hair and would cuddle with me. C will have fun dressing her up, that's for sure!
Now, this is something small, but large in spectrum. All of kids have biblical names. I'd never really planned it that way, but after is just started happening, I realized how great it was going to be. When my kids were struggling, I could go to the scriptures and point to their namesakes and show them how these great men and women over came great trials and how much faith they had. It's become something I cherished. In the back of my mind, I knew I'd have to re-evaluate this naming/scripture process when we got kids that didn't have biblical names. I knew I'd have to take a different approach to it and I was prepared and ready to do it. But these 4 kiddos (and their already adopted older brother) all have biblical names. Strong names. Good names that have righteous examples written down in a timeless book for them (and me) to draw strength and faith from. Another example of Heavenly Father smiling down on me.
Do we know yet if these kids will be ours? No. Not yet. Do we hope for it? Yes, but this time I'm a little more level headed about it. If it's not these kids, then it'll be another child or group. I know what I've felt. I know that I am a mother and that just because my body wouldn't survive another birth doesn't mean I won't have more children.
There is hope. And we've promised to comfort those that stand in need of comfort and cloth the naked and care for the poor, widows and orphans, or those with really sucky biological parents. We promised to do that. And we will. For now we wait. We plan Christmas and camping trips and next summers vacation and baseball and track and theatre. And I continue to get my house in order and my life and maybe continue to look into going back to school for my Masters. We'll see. :)
*******The above entry was written in late fall 2012. On Christmas eve (2012) we received a letter that these 4 kids were going to a different family, a family with no children in the home. We were sad, but kept it in perspective. Since then, things have been utterly turned upside down. - more on that later. :)*********
The on purpose accidental survivalist
I've always thought I'd make a good pioneer. I've stored food, I can garden, I love camping & "roughing it." I could survive if I had to. Until this week. When the well pump stopped working. And we had no water for 72 hours.
But you have a pool - with 30,000 gallons of water. Whats the big deal? Lugging buckets to the toilets to flush is one thing. Inconvenient only. But the pool water is chemicaled to death to keep the water clean enough to swim in. This chemically charged water would bleach out my clothes, so I can't use it for washing. It would kill every single plant in my garden, so I can't use it for that. I could boil it and possibly wash my dishes in it, but I'm not so sure I would. I definitely would NOT drink it or use it in cooking. I could use it to clean tables, counters, walls, floors, etc. but everything would smell like bleach. I wouldn't use it to shower in for long because my skin get really dried out from the chemicals, so showering usage needs a different option. AND this is all banking that I have no household water in the summer, as the pool would be Frozen in the winter. AND that I have electricity to keep the water flowing in the pool so it'll stay "clean". AND banking on all the pool equipment working. That's a lot of 'if's'.
Suffice it to say - I need better water storage! So, we'll still have the pool water as back up, but now we're going to use the gutters to help collect rain water for the yard and garden. We'll get large storage water for washing, cooking and cleaning and smaller containers for drinking. Oh and when they say you'll need a gallon drinking water and a gallon "other" water per person per day, they were calculating on the extreme scale. Reality - you need a gallon for drinking, a gallon for cooking, a gallon for washing/cleaning, a gallon for sponge baths (more if you have really long hair), and a gallon for misc. About 5 gallons/person/day. You can get by with less IF it rains AND you can collect the rain water. IF.
Other things I learned this week. My kids will have no more than 3 outfits. 1 for church and 2 for everyday. And they will wear them will they're grimy. Because hand washing laundry is the pits and less is more.
We used more paper towels than I thought possible. Because I didn't want to waist the precious little water I had on wiping up a spill. Use a paper towel instead. I went through a roll a day. I need to store more paper towels.
A generator will help with electricity, but when you have no water because the pump is broken, your just out of luck.
It's easy to forget about the little things because they're little. Until you have no water. "Mom I can't make pancakes, we have no water. - Oh, use a water bottle." "Mom the dog/cat are out of water. - Crap, use another water bottle." Those water bottle become a high commodity! And then the awful thought comes into your head - hmmm maybe we don't need the dog/cat/gerbil/Pet! Then you feel guilty for thinking that your kids pet is expendable on some level and thank goodness the well repairmen are in the front yard right now!
When you have to boil water to wash the dishes, you rely on a tiny bit of bleach to sanitize the final rinse. I'm going to have to store more bleach. I'm not a germ-a-phobic, but I just saw what kind of water that dish just came out of and I at least want to know that the bleach it helping me out on some level.
Bottom line - store more water than you think you'll need. Utilize nature and don't rely on the use of your pool. Store more paper towels & bleach and use less clothing. And thank Heavenly Father you live in the convince of this century and your not a pioneer!
But you have a pool - with 30,000 gallons of water. Whats the big deal? Lugging buckets to the toilets to flush is one thing. Inconvenient only. But the pool water is chemicaled to death to keep the water clean enough to swim in. This chemically charged water would bleach out my clothes, so I can't use it for washing. It would kill every single plant in my garden, so I can't use it for that. I could boil it and possibly wash my dishes in it, but I'm not so sure I would. I definitely would NOT drink it or use it in cooking. I could use it to clean tables, counters, walls, floors, etc. but everything would smell like bleach. I wouldn't use it to shower in for long because my skin get really dried out from the chemicals, so showering usage needs a different option. AND this is all banking that I have no household water in the summer, as the pool would be Frozen in the winter. AND that I have electricity to keep the water flowing in the pool so it'll stay "clean". AND banking on all the pool equipment working. That's a lot of 'if's'.
Suffice it to say - I need better water storage! So, we'll still have the pool water as back up, but now we're going to use the gutters to help collect rain water for the yard and garden. We'll get large storage water for washing, cooking and cleaning and smaller containers for drinking. Oh and when they say you'll need a gallon drinking water and a gallon "other" water per person per day, they were calculating on the extreme scale. Reality - you need a gallon for drinking, a gallon for cooking, a gallon for washing/cleaning, a gallon for sponge baths (more if you have really long hair), and a gallon for misc. About 5 gallons/person/day. You can get by with less IF it rains AND you can collect the rain water. IF.
Other things I learned this week. My kids will have no more than 3 outfits. 1 for church and 2 for everyday. And they will wear them will they're grimy. Because hand washing laundry is the pits and less is more.
We used more paper towels than I thought possible. Because I didn't want to waist the precious little water I had on wiping up a spill. Use a paper towel instead. I went through a roll a day. I need to store more paper towels.
A generator will help with electricity, but when you have no water because the pump is broken, your just out of luck.
It's easy to forget about the little things because they're little. Until you have no water. "Mom I can't make pancakes, we have no water. - Oh, use a water bottle." "Mom the dog/cat are out of water. - Crap, use another water bottle." Those water bottle become a high commodity! And then the awful thought comes into your head - hmmm maybe we don't need the dog/cat/gerbil/Pet! Then you feel guilty for thinking that your kids pet is expendable on some level and thank goodness the well repairmen are in the front yard right now!
When you have to boil water to wash the dishes, you rely on a tiny bit of bleach to sanitize the final rinse. I'm going to have to store more bleach. I'm not a germ-a-phobic, but I just saw what kind of water that dish just came out of and I at least want to know that the bleach it helping me out on some level.
Bottom line - store more water than you think you'll need. Utilize nature and don't rely on the use of your pool. Store more paper towels & bleach and use less clothing. And thank Heavenly Father you live in the convince of this century and your not a pioneer!
Monday, February 4, 2013
Adoption Journey - Part 9 - Match Events
Yes, yes, the title says it all - Match Events. And yes, it is what you are thinking. :D But it's all good!
Basically, the SNAP specialists (there are 7 or 8 in Indiana) organize match events every few months. A match event is where prospective parents (parents only - no kids from home) get together with kids ages 10 and up who are free for adoption and they play games for a few hours. It gives everyone a chance to get to know each other.
When we first heard about these events, we thought we didn't need to go. We had the online kids that we were looking at, emails that came in from our specialist and a list of kids that we wanted to adopt. Why go meet kids we weren't looking at? Then our specialist said the magic words - it's not always about meeting the kids. It's also for meeting the specialists (adoption advocates, SNAP specialists, case managers, etc.) and other parents. The purpose was to network.
December 2012 was the first one we decided to go to. It was in Ft. Wayne (only an hour away - instead of 3 hours away like some of the others) and it was on a Saturday (instead of a weekday). We had NO clue what to expect. We weren't even sure we really wanted to go. But we'd said yes, and we wanted to show our specialist that we could keep our commitments.
They held the event in a Nature Center. It was a cool place. We could chat some with the kids while looking at the displays, but the activities were directed in one big room. All the parents were gathered in (about 30 of us - All at our first match event) and given a "briefing." We were told to have fun playing with the kids and to NOT talk about adoption. Then they brought in the kids - there were 10 of them ranging in age from 9 to "18". (I'll explain the "" later.)
The first activity was a mixer game. A box was passed around while music played. When the music stopped, whoever was holding the box had to draw out a paper and do what it said. Most things were questions - favorite TV show, type of music, something unique about yourself. Other questions were harder - name all 12 days of Christmas in order, sing "We wish you a Merry Christmas" while doing jumping jacks, etc. It got the group laughing and clapping and got some of the nerves out.
Next up was a Ginger Bread house relay. The kids were divided first, then the parents were divided gym style (1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) Scott and I were on different teams, which made getting to know the kids easier actually. I was paired up with a 14 yo boy and another dad and Scott has an 18 yo boy and another mom. We talked and built and decorated and ate and laughed. It was a fun!
Then all the kids were moved over to tables set up with canvases and paints. Parents were to help or talk to the kids while they painted a picture. Some kids really got into it. Others didn't really know what to do. I sat down with a different 14 yo boy and Scott sat with a 13 yo boy. (There were a lot of boys at the event - actually there were only 3 girls). We chatted and painted and chatted some more. Most of the parents kind of stuck to one table and talked amongst themselves and with the kids. It was great getting to know some of these parents.
The kiddo I was sitting across from mentioned 3 times how badly he wanted to be adopted. 3 times! Now, two thoughts run through your mind: #1 That's so sad - I'll take you! #2 - You are totally playing me kid! I took it with a grain of salt. I knew he wanted to be adopted. I also knew he really didn't know the full extent of what that meant. All of us have dreams of what we want. Sometimes the reality doesn't always add up to our expectations.
When we were finished painting, we ate lunch. I walked through the line with a 9 yo girl who talked a mile a minute. What a chatter box! As we waited, I asked her what types of things she like - TV shows, movies, toys. We started talking about movies - Barbie movies. I asked her her fav and she said "The mermaid one." I said, "Mermaidia?" Her eyes got big, "Yeah!" "Yeah, I like that one to, but there are others I like better." Then I rattled off the list of Barbie movies we owned. If you've never gotten to see one, I'd start with Rapunzel and go from there. They really are good movies. This little gal was shocked that I had all the movies -(really helps to have a daughter who was into them!) It was funny to see this girls face! She started jumping up and down and talking even faster.
We ate lunch with her and another 14yo boy. He didn't talk much and we found out that his favorite activity was bored games. Cool!
Pictionary was last. The kids mainly got to draw, with us guessing what Christmas song they were drawing. It was an easy game with everyone winning. Scott and I both got to chat with most of the kids in the room and a lot of the parents.
When the activities were over, we sat with another couple and were able to ask our SNAP specialist questions. And boy was that informative!! We'd been looking at online profiles for years. And these profiles end up in their "picture books" that are sent to prospective parents. There are around 100 online profiles - give or take. (There are over 9,000 in the foster system in Indiana alone!) What the flip people - get you lives together! That's too many children in the system. We got to talk to another couple and an adoption specialist, too.
The event overall was a positive one. I'd go again. It REALLY helped to meet these kids and talk to them. Oh, I almost forgot....the "18" year old who made a ginger bread house with Scott talked and talked about sports and his favorite subject was math, and his was in ROTC and was going to graduate and join the military and on and on and on and on. We watched him for the rest of the event, debating how much of what he said was true. THEN we went home and read his online profile. 18.....nope - he's 16, a sophomore and while he loves sports, isn't as well rounded as he claimed to be. So yes, we got the "standard-answer-that-all-prospective-parents-want-to-hear" responses to our questions. We also got some "shock value" as well - like the kid who said he'd punched his mom on Christmas because he was so excited about his present. uh huh. Sure you did. Well, maybe you did. :/ Or the kid who said he wanted to grow up and be a "contract killer". What the....?!?! But overall - it was a good experience!
So - networking is good. Meeting kids is good. Getting a better idea of what your up against is great. Go for it. You'll have fun! And remember - take every word our of their mouths with a grain of salt - and a little spice thrown in for good measure. ;)
Basically, the SNAP specialists (there are 7 or 8 in Indiana) organize match events every few months. A match event is where prospective parents (parents only - no kids from home) get together with kids ages 10 and up who are free for adoption and they play games for a few hours. It gives everyone a chance to get to know each other.
When we first heard about these events, we thought we didn't need to go. We had the online kids that we were looking at, emails that came in from our specialist and a list of kids that we wanted to adopt. Why go meet kids we weren't looking at? Then our specialist said the magic words - it's not always about meeting the kids. It's also for meeting the specialists (adoption advocates, SNAP specialists, case managers, etc.) and other parents. The purpose was to network.
December 2012 was the first one we decided to go to. It was in Ft. Wayne (only an hour away - instead of 3 hours away like some of the others) and it was on a Saturday (instead of a weekday). We had NO clue what to expect. We weren't even sure we really wanted to go. But we'd said yes, and we wanted to show our specialist that we could keep our commitments.
They held the event in a Nature Center. It was a cool place. We could chat some with the kids while looking at the displays, but the activities were directed in one big room. All the parents were gathered in (about 30 of us - All at our first match event) and given a "briefing." We were told to have fun playing with the kids and to NOT talk about adoption. Then they brought in the kids - there were 10 of them ranging in age from 9 to "18". (I'll explain the "" later.)
The first activity was a mixer game. A box was passed around while music played. When the music stopped, whoever was holding the box had to draw out a paper and do what it said. Most things were questions - favorite TV show, type of music, something unique about yourself. Other questions were harder - name all 12 days of Christmas in order, sing "We wish you a Merry Christmas" while doing jumping jacks, etc. It got the group laughing and clapping and got some of the nerves out.
Next up was a Ginger Bread house relay. The kids were divided first, then the parents were divided gym style (1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.) Scott and I were on different teams, which made getting to know the kids easier actually. I was paired up with a 14 yo boy and another dad and Scott has an 18 yo boy and another mom. We talked and built and decorated and ate and laughed. It was a fun!
Then all the kids were moved over to tables set up with canvases and paints. Parents were to help or talk to the kids while they painted a picture. Some kids really got into it. Others didn't really know what to do. I sat down with a different 14 yo boy and Scott sat with a 13 yo boy. (There were a lot of boys at the event - actually there were only 3 girls). We chatted and painted and chatted some more. Most of the parents kind of stuck to one table and talked amongst themselves and with the kids. It was great getting to know some of these parents.
The kiddo I was sitting across from mentioned 3 times how badly he wanted to be adopted. 3 times! Now, two thoughts run through your mind: #1 That's so sad - I'll take you! #2 - You are totally playing me kid! I took it with a grain of salt. I knew he wanted to be adopted. I also knew he really didn't know the full extent of what that meant. All of us have dreams of what we want. Sometimes the reality doesn't always add up to our expectations.
When we were finished painting, we ate lunch. I walked through the line with a 9 yo girl who talked a mile a minute. What a chatter box! As we waited, I asked her what types of things she like - TV shows, movies, toys. We started talking about movies - Barbie movies. I asked her her fav and she said "The mermaid one." I said, "Mermaidia?" Her eyes got big, "Yeah!" "Yeah, I like that one to, but there are others I like better." Then I rattled off the list of Barbie movies we owned. If you've never gotten to see one, I'd start with Rapunzel and go from there. They really are good movies. This little gal was shocked that I had all the movies -(really helps to have a daughter who was into them!) It was funny to see this girls face! She started jumping up and down and talking even faster.
We ate lunch with her and another 14yo boy. He didn't talk much and we found out that his favorite activity was bored games. Cool!
Pictionary was last. The kids mainly got to draw, with us guessing what Christmas song they were drawing. It was an easy game with everyone winning. Scott and I both got to chat with most of the kids in the room and a lot of the parents.
When the activities were over, we sat with another couple and were able to ask our SNAP specialist questions. And boy was that informative!! We'd been looking at online profiles for years. And these profiles end up in their "picture books" that are sent to prospective parents. There are around 100 online profiles - give or take. (There are over 9,000 in the foster system in Indiana alone!) What the flip people - get you lives together! That's too many children in the system. We got to talk to another couple and an adoption specialist, too.
The event overall was a positive one. I'd go again. It REALLY helped to meet these kids and talk to them. Oh, I almost forgot....the "18" year old who made a ginger bread house with Scott talked and talked about sports and his favorite subject was math, and his was in ROTC and was going to graduate and join the military and on and on and on and on. We watched him for the rest of the event, debating how much of what he said was true. THEN we went home and read his online profile. 18.....nope - he's 16, a sophomore and while he loves sports, isn't as well rounded as he claimed to be. So yes, we got the "standard-answer-that-all-prospective-parents-want-to-hear" responses to our questions. We also got some "shock value" as well - like the kid who said he'd punched his mom on Christmas because he was so excited about his present. uh huh. Sure you did. Well, maybe you did. :/ Or the kid who said he wanted to grow up and be a "contract killer". What the....?!?! But overall - it was a good experience!
So - networking is good. Meeting kids is good. Getting a better idea of what your up against is great. Go for it. You'll have fun! And remember - take every word our of their mouths with a grain of salt - and a little spice thrown in for good measure. ;)
Friday, December 14, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 8 - the second time we said yes
On June 5, we received an email for a sibling group of 4. Yes, you read that right - 4!! That same day, I received the same email from a friend (who's also adopted out the Indiana State system) telling me I should take a closer look at these kids. They're names all stared with D and they were 1 1/2, 2 1/2, 3 1/2 & 4 1/2. WHAT?!!?
Ok, so, I'm nuts to think it, but I looked at them and thought - heck yes, bring on the mayhem. BUT, the biggest difference between these kids and many of the others was......there was still a light in their eyes. They hadn't been hurt so badly that the light in their eyes was gone or dimmed. They'd been with the same foster family for 13 months. No shifting from foster to mom and dad and back again. The baby had only known one home.
We took a serious look at these guys (boy, girl, girl, boy) and after 2 days of praying and pondering, sent an email back to our SNAP specialist saying yes. Then I went into 'go' mode. Adding four kids was insanity, but I'd seen it done before (well, I'd read about it) and their ages were a perfect fit into our family. Ok, so they were toddlers, no prob. At this point, I hadn't put away the toddler things. I loved teaching all my kids Pre-K and Joy School and still had ALL of my homeschooling/preschool curriculum. I could do this.
My other 4 kids were all getting big enough and in the routines enough that they would be a major help around the house. We could do this. We'd started the shaved ice business thinking that with 8 kids, we'd REALLY need to have extra income to support them later on. And, there would be plenty of summer time help! lol And my house wouldn't be so quiet during the days or quite so lonely. It seemed like a great thing! We could do this.
The State's fiscal year starts in July. So when I didn't hear anything for a month, I figured they were busy transitioning. Mid July - no word. Odd, because they usually respond within 2 weeks. No reply to the email I sent mid-July, either. No word and no reply to the email I sent mid-August. I thought it was still odd, but the Lord's timing is perfect and with a new business, summer baseball, pool parties and getting ready for back to school, I had plenty of things I needed to do to prepare for these kids.
By mid-September, I didn't care if it was rude or prying or not, I needed to know about these kids. I'd heard that there were tons of requests for them. I knew we were being compared to 50 other parents. But I thought we had a chance. It felt right!
But it wasn't to be. A call to our SNAP specialist told us that their foster family wanted to adopt them. Awesome! These kids needed the love and stability they already had. I was happy for them. I was miserable for me.
I'd already smelled their hair in my mind. I'd felt their tiny hands holding my fingers. I'd already kissed their sweet cheeks and given them eskimo kisses. I felt them in my arms, crawling into my lap with a book. I'd felt that. I couldn't deny it. I couldn't even begin to cope with it not happening.
It took me a week. A week to process. Mostly because I felt like I couldn't call a soul. Everyone already thought I was absolutely nuts for wanting to adopt 4. How could I explain to them how real this loss was? How could I tell them how badly I was hurting inside? Even the hubs didn't quite get it. The kids were a little bummed, but not too much. It was all me.
I emailed my friend who'd already adopted. What do I do now? I asked her. She let me cry with her in emails. It wasn't until I saw her a week later at a Women's conference that I completely broke down. It a room full of 200 women. Julie hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. I tried to suck it up and not embarrass myself. I dried my tears, we all finished our dinner and then moved into another room for the conference broadcast.
As I sat there and listened to how wonderful families were and how much Heavenly Father loved his children, the burden of not having these babies felt heavier and heavier. By the intermediate hymn, I went into the hall and sobbed uncontrollably. Every pain, every touch, every tiny little finger had a fountain of tears to go with it. I never knew how much you could physically ache for a tiny little person you'd never even met. I never knew my arms could hurt from not having these babies in them. I'd only seen a picture, but a thousand memories and hopes had filled my mind for four months and all of it needed to be released.
A sweet women over heard me and came out to the hall to talk. She chatted for a while, hugged me and left. It was all the distraction I needed. I'd spent my tears; few were left. I hung out in the back of the room til the conference was over. The women I'd ridden with were there for me as well. I made it home before crying myself to sleep. The problem with doing that is you wake up with a terrible headache and swollen eyes. Not so fun. ;)
These four D named children were no longer mine, no longer an option. What was I going to do now? I'd been so scared through this process that someone was going to get hurt; me, my kids, my future kids. How was I to know which child was to be ours? How strong was my faith? These for little souls had been a fabulous solution. They were young, teachable, lovable and didn't have teenage hormones mucking it all up. I'd felt so much hope for this process. Hope I hadn't allowed myself to feel. I'd put on a brave face up to this point. That bravado was now gone.
Where do you go after a loss? You turn to your higher power first and foremost. Heavenly Father had never lead me astray. The Savior had atoned for all these hurts, too. I mourned and then I sat back and asked Heavenly Father - OK, what next?
So I continued on with my life. I continued re-prioritizing, reorganizing, re-everyting. As I waited, the hurt became less. I really was happy that these children had a loving home, that wanted them. It made all the difference in the world. And I knew what I'd felt from Heavenly Father. Perhaps He was preparing me for something else. Perhaps He was testing me to see if I would do anything He asked. I hope I passed the test. I hope that I learned what He wanted me to learn. We'll see. :)
Until then, we continued to watch and wait. We continued to randomly look online. It was difficult, but not painful. Hope still lingered in the corners. And in our hearts.
Ok, so, I'm nuts to think it, but I looked at them and thought - heck yes, bring on the mayhem. BUT, the biggest difference between these kids and many of the others was......there was still a light in their eyes. They hadn't been hurt so badly that the light in their eyes was gone or dimmed. They'd been with the same foster family for 13 months. No shifting from foster to mom and dad and back again. The baby had only known one home.
We took a serious look at these guys (boy, girl, girl, boy) and after 2 days of praying and pondering, sent an email back to our SNAP specialist saying yes. Then I went into 'go' mode. Adding four kids was insanity, but I'd seen it done before (well, I'd read about it) and their ages were a perfect fit into our family. Ok, so they were toddlers, no prob. At this point, I hadn't put away the toddler things. I loved teaching all my kids Pre-K and Joy School and still had ALL of my homeschooling/preschool curriculum. I could do this.
My other 4 kids were all getting big enough and in the routines enough that they would be a major help around the house. We could do this. We'd started the shaved ice business thinking that with 8 kids, we'd REALLY need to have extra income to support them later on. And, there would be plenty of summer time help! lol And my house wouldn't be so quiet during the days or quite so lonely. It seemed like a great thing! We could do this.
The State's fiscal year starts in July. So when I didn't hear anything for a month, I figured they were busy transitioning. Mid July - no word. Odd, because they usually respond within 2 weeks. No reply to the email I sent mid-July, either. No word and no reply to the email I sent mid-August. I thought it was still odd, but the Lord's timing is perfect and with a new business, summer baseball, pool parties and getting ready for back to school, I had plenty of things I needed to do to prepare for these kids.
By mid-September, I didn't care if it was rude or prying or not, I needed to know about these kids. I'd heard that there were tons of requests for them. I knew we were being compared to 50 other parents. But I thought we had a chance. It felt right!
But it wasn't to be. A call to our SNAP specialist told us that their foster family wanted to adopt them. Awesome! These kids needed the love and stability they already had. I was happy for them. I was miserable for me.
I'd already smelled their hair in my mind. I'd felt their tiny hands holding my fingers. I'd already kissed their sweet cheeks and given them eskimo kisses. I felt them in my arms, crawling into my lap with a book. I'd felt that. I couldn't deny it. I couldn't even begin to cope with it not happening.
It took me a week. A week to process. Mostly because I felt like I couldn't call a soul. Everyone already thought I was absolutely nuts for wanting to adopt 4. How could I explain to them how real this loss was? How could I tell them how badly I was hurting inside? Even the hubs didn't quite get it. The kids were a little bummed, but not too much. It was all me.
I emailed my friend who'd already adopted. What do I do now? I asked her. She let me cry with her in emails. It wasn't until I saw her a week later at a Women's conference that I completely broke down. It a room full of 200 women. Julie hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. I tried to suck it up and not embarrass myself. I dried my tears, we all finished our dinner and then moved into another room for the conference broadcast.
As I sat there and listened to how wonderful families were and how much Heavenly Father loved his children, the burden of not having these babies felt heavier and heavier. By the intermediate hymn, I went into the hall and sobbed uncontrollably. Every pain, every touch, every tiny little finger had a fountain of tears to go with it. I never knew how much you could physically ache for a tiny little person you'd never even met. I never knew my arms could hurt from not having these babies in them. I'd only seen a picture, but a thousand memories and hopes had filled my mind for four months and all of it needed to be released.
A sweet women over heard me and came out to the hall to talk. She chatted for a while, hugged me and left. It was all the distraction I needed. I'd spent my tears; few were left. I hung out in the back of the room til the conference was over. The women I'd ridden with were there for me as well. I made it home before crying myself to sleep. The problem with doing that is you wake up with a terrible headache and swollen eyes. Not so fun. ;)
These four D named children were no longer mine, no longer an option. What was I going to do now? I'd been so scared through this process that someone was going to get hurt; me, my kids, my future kids. How was I to know which child was to be ours? How strong was my faith? These for little souls had been a fabulous solution. They were young, teachable, lovable and didn't have teenage hormones mucking it all up. I'd felt so much hope for this process. Hope I hadn't allowed myself to feel. I'd put on a brave face up to this point. That bravado was now gone.
Where do you go after a loss? You turn to your higher power first and foremost. Heavenly Father had never lead me astray. The Savior had atoned for all these hurts, too. I mourned and then I sat back and asked Heavenly Father - OK, what next?
So I continued on with my life. I continued re-prioritizing, reorganizing, re-everyting. As I waited, the hurt became less. I really was happy that these children had a loving home, that wanted them. It made all the difference in the world. And I knew what I'd felt from Heavenly Father. Perhaps He was preparing me for something else. Perhaps He was testing me to see if I would do anything He asked. I hope I passed the test. I hope that I learned what He wanted me to learn. We'll see. :)
Until then, we continued to watch and wait. We continued to randomly look online. It was difficult, but not painful. Hope still lingered in the corners. And in our hearts.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 7 - Prepare every needful thing
After the sibling group of three was no longer an option, we sat back to wait. Profiles came in and out of the inbox and in and out of the online website. When would another group show up? When would a child be in our lives?
We kept our children updated on all status's. After a while, I think they just got tired of hearing about them. Not that they weren't excited or interested, there were just so many. Each one we read had to be a decision to press forward or not.
In the process of deciding, home studies, profiles and your own crazy life, you get to evaluate and re-evaluate your home, your patterns of behavior, your systems (chores, meals, laundry, etc) and the state of your home, your body & your life. This was going to be the first time having a new child and not having my body involved. An interesting scenario. While there is a connection that is made with your unborn child and your new born, there is also a tremendous toll taken on your body. Dad's never experience this, so they're good to go. Lucky guys! But women do and I was interested (still am) about how much this was going to be different.
If your a fan of FLY lady, you'll know her mantra is "Finally Loving Yourself" and that we have house clutter, body clutter, life clutter. In the mix of all our daily life things, we opened a business (Shaved Ice) and when that was done, I went back to work (cafeteria lady). Both were great. The business would be a great solution for the summer job dilemmas our children would face, we'd make enough (hopefully) to pay for some of their college & missions & the cost was relatively low to start up. When the season closed at summers end, the cafeteria job was a great solution to help pay for the loan payment on the business. I'd only work when the kids were in school & only a few hours a day.
But I'm an overachiever and I added more and more to my plate. I was still teaching piano lessons & was a mega volunteer for the local parent/teacher group at the junior high. My days were packed and my life was, too. 3 weeks of this and I was done. I couldn't be super mom and survive. It was time to evaluate what was really important to keep and what had to go.
I liked the job. It was helping cover the loans and the women I worked with were awesome. But I needed to go to substitute status. That was a great solution. I would have time to do my projects & time to work. And being out of the house that much really helped me figure out what was really important at home and what had to go. FLY lady - take over!
I'd spent so much time filling my life and my house with "things" that I was swimming in clutter. My constant activity with the kids was chores. BORING! They hated it. I hated it. Don't get me wrong, they still have chores, but we are getting the rooms cleaned out and the messes are being coming .... less. Less mess, less clutter, less unnecessary clothing, toys, books, games, craft supplies, garage supplies, food we weren't eating (a recipe called for capers & I couldn't make it, so I held onto the jar for far too long. It had to go cause I wasn't going to be using capers in anything). My pantry was shaping into foods we'd actually eat, my menus were coming together, meal times were better, chore times were better. It was just getting better.
But the best thing that came out of all this dumping- EBC! Extra Brain Capacity! It was awesome! I started focusing on my boundaries and what I would allow in my life and what I wouldn't. The toddler books and games got boxed up for a "just in case we get a toddler". The mass amount of clothes in my teenage girls room was boxed up for a younger cousin. The books that were torn in half, but still kept getting shelved, gone. The decor that the previous owners had left that I'd spent the last 4 years trying to make work with my decor (and not succeeding) - gone. Four 30 gallon trash bags full from the Den alone!
And I'm not done going through the house. This week, the boys room is getting attacked. Two weeks ago it was the girls. Many people go through this process, and some (lucky!) never have to deal with clutter. I come from a long line of "keep it, we might need that some day." And yes, there are things that I totally need and use! It's cool. But there are SO many more things that have to go.
In the process of waiting, I've gotten the wonderful chance to dump my clutter. It's still going. I read it takes a professional organizer 12 - 15 hours per room to get it into shape. And that's a pro! So I give myself time to get it all together. And I'm loving the EBC that comes with it. I'm becoming a better mom and wife and I'm learning how to say no to the things that really don't matter.
I've needed this time to get ready. To prepare. And Heavenly Father knew I needed this time. Because He knew we'd get an email that would change our summer.
We kept our children updated on all status's. After a while, I think they just got tired of hearing about them. Not that they weren't excited or interested, there were just so many. Each one we read had to be a decision to press forward or not.
In the process of deciding, home studies, profiles and your own crazy life, you get to evaluate and re-evaluate your home, your patterns of behavior, your systems (chores, meals, laundry, etc) and the state of your home, your body & your life. This was going to be the first time having a new child and not having my body involved. An interesting scenario. While there is a connection that is made with your unborn child and your new born, there is also a tremendous toll taken on your body. Dad's never experience this, so they're good to go. Lucky guys! But women do and I was interested (still am) about how much this was going to be different.
If your a fan of FLY lady, you'll know her mantra is "Finally Loving Yourself" and that we have house clutter, body clutter, life clutter. In the mix of all our daily life things, we opened a business (Shaved Ice) and when that was done, I went back to work (cafeteria lady). Both were great. The business would be a great solution for the summer job dilemmas our children would face, we'd make enough (hopefully) to pay for some of their college & missions & the cost was relatively low to start up. When the season closed at summers end, the cafeteria job was a great solution to help pay for the loan payment on the business. I'd only work when the kids were in school & only a few hours a day.
But I'm an overachiever and I added more and more to my plate. I was still teaching piano lessons & was a mega volunteer for the local parent/teacher group at the junior high. My days were packed and my life was, too. 3 weeks of this and I was done. I couldn't be super mom and survive. It was time to evaluate what was really important to keep and what had to go.
I liked the job. It was helping cover the loans and the women I worked with were awesome. But I needed to go to substitute status. That was a great solution. I would have time to do my projects & time to work. And being out of the house that much really helped me figure out what was really important at home and what had to go. FLY lady - take over!
I'd spent so much time filling my life and my house with "things" that I was swimming in clutter. My constant activity with the kids was chores. BORING! They hated it. I hated it. Don't get me wrong, they still have chores, but we are getting the rooms cleaned out and the messes are being coming .... less. Less mess, less clutter, less unnecessary clothing, toys, books, games, craft supplies, garage supplies, food we weren't eating (a recipe called for capers & I couldn't make it, so I held onto the jar for far too long. It had to go cause I wasn't going to be using capers in anything). My pantry was shaping into foods we'd actually eat, my menus were coming together, meal times were better, chore times were better. It was just getting better.
But the best thing that came out of all this dumping- EBC! Extra Brain Capacity! It was awesome! I started focusing on my boundaries and what I would allow in my life and what I wouldn't. The toddler books and games got boxed up for a "just in case we get a toddler". The mass amount of clothes in my teenage girls room was boxed up for a younger cousin. The books that were torn in half, but still kept getting shelved, gone. The decor that the previous owners had left that I'd spent the last 4 years trying to make work with my decor (and not succeeding) - gone. Four 30 gallon trash bags full from the Den alone!
And I'm not done going through the house. This week, the boys room is getting attacked. Two weeks ago it was the girls. Many people go through this process, and some (lucky!) never have to deal with clutter. I come from a long line of "keep it, we might need that some day." And yes, there are things that I totally need and use! It's cool. But there are SO many more things that have to go.
In the process of waiting, I've gotten the wonderful chance to dump my clutter. It's still going. I read it takes a professional organizer 12 - 15 hours per room to get it into shape. And that's a pro! So I give myself time to get it all together. And I'm loving the EBC that comes with it. I'm becoming a better mom and wife and I'm learning how to say no to the things that really don't matter.
I've needed this time to get ready. To prepare. And Heavenly Father knew I needed this time. Because He knew we'd get an email that would change our summer.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 6 - The first time we said Yes
I've apologized for leaving you hanging on the last post, but I've been informed that all posts leave you hanging. Thanks for being patient with me! :)
So....we said yes to I, K & J. They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively. Fabulous! They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between. Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions. Reaction 1 - Wow! That's so awesome that you would keep them together! Reaction 2 - Are you nuts!? You have 4 and now your adding 3 more! That's 7 you know. (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)
Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children. We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate). We also have the desire. And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us. And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.
It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you. No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!
We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder. Meaning? When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.) Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form. She isn't able to bond with a human. As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone. And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best. Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.
Is there help? Yes. There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections. You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there. You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains. Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward. It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists. And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).
Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more? Because I was raised by people who never gave up. Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up. When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5). She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again. She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again. I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar. I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us. There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us. Anything.
I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it. Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them. Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend. Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything. Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.
Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly. We knew we could handle 7 year old K. And that we could help her. And that somewhere in there, she could help us.
But the state is not new at this job. This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD. It's not the first time they've told someone "No." Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children." Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this. Was this a concern of ours from the beginning? Yes, of course. We would Never put out children in danger. But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.
We could have done. We would have done it. We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes. As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes. But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.
So....we said yes to I, K & J. They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively. Fabulous! They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between. Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions. Reaction 1 - Wow! That's so awesome that you would keep them together! Reaction 2 - Are you nuts!? You have 4 and now your adding 3 more! That's 7 you know. (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)
Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children. We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate). We also have the desire. And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us. And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.
It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you. No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!
We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder. Meaning? When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.) Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form. She isn't able to bond with a human. As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone. And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best. Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.
Is there help? Yes. There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections. You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there. You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains. Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward. It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists. And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).
Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more? Because I was raised by people who never gave up. Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up. When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5). She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again. She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again. I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar. I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us. There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us. Anything.
I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it. Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them. Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend. Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything. Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.
Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly. We knew we could handle 7 year old K. And that we could help her. And that somewhere in there, she could help us.
But the state is not new at this job. This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD. It's not the first time they've told someone "No." Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children." Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this. Was this a concern of ours from the beginning? Yes, of course. We would Never put out children in danger. But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.
We could have done. We would have done it. We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes. As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes. But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 5 - The Real Profiles, the Lost Sheep.
All the parenting in the world and all the training in the world will not prepare you for the harsh reality of those first full profiles. Not at all. You can conjure up all sorts of scenarios in your head, but until you read that first one, you really have no clue what these kids go through.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Adoption Journey Part 4 - SNAP approval
On March 12, 2012 we received a phone call from Doug saying we'd been SNAP (special needs adoption program) approved! We'd finished our home study 3 months before that and had waited and waited to get the "approval!" We were one month away from being in the process a full year. Wow time flies!
We decided to celebrate, so we took the kids to Ruby Tuesday for dinner that night. When you are SNAP approved, you have access to all the profiles online. It takes several days to several weeks to get info back on the child/children you request. This day, I only had access to the general profiles. No details. I printed off 30 or so profiles and presented them to the family.
Our children have been involved in the entire process. We tailor information based on their ages, but over all they have been involved in everything. So we took the profiles to the kids and voted. Some of the kids voted on looks or qualities these children possessed. Would they make a good big or little brother or sister? Did they like animals because we have 2 dogs and a cat? What did they want to be when they grew up? Things like that.
Scott and I read in-between the lines. A profile that read "two parent home with older children" meant - don't have any little kids, cause they could get hurt. So we veto'd those. Others that would say "needs close supervision while providing structure and a safe environment" usually meant, "this kids are going to take up all of you time and energies because he/she needs that. How much time are you willing to take away from your current children?" Tough decision.
So we evaluated each of the 30 or so profiles and came up with a top 10 as a family. Then Scott and I went to work narrowing down the field to our top 3, then the top 2. We prayed about which child would be ours. We wanted it to work out so desperately.
We requested information on 15 year old K and 12 year old J. What we got back shocked us to the core of our souls. What on earth did we sign up for? And how on earth were we going to get through it?
We decided to celebrate, so we took the kids to Ruby Tuesday for dinner that night. When you are SNAP approved, you have access to all the profiles online. It takes several days to several weeks to get info back on the child/children you request. This day, I only had access to the general profiles. No details. I printed off 30 or so profiles and presented them to the family.
Our children have been involved in the entire process. We tailor information based on their ages, but over all they have been involved in everything. So we took the profiles to the kids and voted. Some of the kids voted on looks or qualities these children possessed. Would they make a good big or little brother or sister? Did they like animals because we have 2 dogs and a cat? What did they want to be when they grew up? Things like that.
Scott and I read in-between the lines. A profile that read "two parent home with older children" meant - don't have any little kids, cause they could get hurt. So we veto'd those. Others that would say "needs close supervision while providing structure and a safe environment" usually meant, "this kids are going to take up all of you time and energies because he/she needs that. How much time are you willing to take away from your current children?" Tough decision.
So we evaluated each of the 30 or so profiles and came up with a top 10 as a family. Then Scott and I went to work narrowing down the field to our top 3, then the top 2. We prayed about which child would be ours. We wanted it to work out so desperately.
We requested information on 15 year old K and 12 year old J. What we got back shocked us to the core of our souls. What on earth did we sign up for? And how on earth were we going to get through it?
Adoption Journey Part 3 - The home study
“Honesty is the best policy.” How many times have we heard that line? But is it? IS Honesty the best policy. Yes it is, but there are many different levels of honesty.
I’ve sat on this post, so far, the longest amount of time. The Home Study is designed to dig out all the elements of your life so that you can best be matched to a child with similar problems/personalities. Sounds reasonable. Until you try to do that with a complete stranger - your home study specialist.
I’ve debated what to put in this post. There are things from my past that help others realize I’m not a spoiled white girl that was raised in the lap of luxury with a silver spoon in her mouth. Far from it! But when people repent and try to fix their past, is it good to go back and let it resurface over and over? For the world of adoption, yes. Yes it is required to relive and retell all that has ever happened to you to make you who you are today. Because the state needs to know how you’ve overcome your past hurts. They need to know how you succeeded and how you are going to help a child/children overcome the same problems. There are many many details that had to be shared with Doug, our case worker. For this post, I’m going to leave the details out.
Suffice it to say, I’ve suffered every form of abuse - verbal, physical, emotional and sexual. You don’t need to know specifics, who, when and where. You just need to know that I’ve survived all of these things. And Scott has been subjected to verbal, physical and emotional abuses. I’m grateful he never suffered from being sexually abused. And, as strange as it sounds, I’m grateful for the things that have happened to me.
WHAT?!!? Grateful - she’s really nuts now. We thought she was crazy before. You know, having 4 kids and then wanting to adopt more! But now she’s actually grateful for abuse!??! e.x.p.l.a.i.n.
Have you ever sat with someone and watched them cry over a hurt and have had absolutely no idea how to help them because you can’t even imagine what they’ve gone through, much less relate? Or the other side of it, have you known exactly how to help them because you’ve been there, done that, don’t even ask for a t-shirt? I HATE feeling out of control!! And I don’t like to see others suffer. So if something bad from my past can help someone else overcome theirs, then I am indeed grateful that it happened.
Scott and I had to come to terms with our pasts, how our parents raised us, what we’d keep, what we have kept and how we’ve dealt with the stuff we didn’t want to keep. We realized that there were good things about our childhoods that we hoped our children would have. And there were many other things that we had already strived to keep out. And we've watched other parents saying to ourselves "we want to do that when we have kids." It's all a balancing act and the state wants to know how you are going to balance. If children are already in your home, then there is proof that you have at least a tiny bit of experience raising children.
There are some things that the home study with the state requires that border on the ridiculous. Ex: - prepping the house. I’ve never had kids prone to pulling things out from under the sinks. And frankly, I hate under cabinet locks. They pinch your fingers and end up breaking more often than not. But each sink now has locks. Alarms were updated and installed, fire extinguisher purchased, emergency ladder for the second floor, US life ring (an official one) was purchased along with “12 feet of safety line.” 12 feet, not 11 and 1/2. Got it.....12 feet. :) And the funniest thing to have to be fixed......the sign by the pool that reads “Call 911 in emergencies.” yep. Remember it’s 911. Ok, kiddies. Don’t forget.
Reliving the past is hard. Remembering all the things that your parents didn’t do right can cause problems with already strained relationships. Remembering what happened to you isn’t easy. Looking at your kids and knowing you screwed some things up that you now have to fix is also a hard reality. Hard.....but not impossible. And it Sure makes you realize how important repentance and forgiveness are. It sure does help make the atonement real. And very personal.
So what did I take away from the home study experience......
1. When you start working on the 11 pages of personal history that's taken you 6 hours to compose - save it. Save it again in a different spot on your computer, then email to your spouse or a friend cause it really sucks when you lose it all and have to start over! lol
2. Your past is just that - yours. And it defines who you are and how you've become the man or women you are today. Embrace it. Learn from it. Then forgive.
3. Embrace your spouses past. Scott and I have never kept secrets from each other. We already knew about all the fallacies from our pasts. All the mistakes we'd made. This was a good reminder of where we came from. It strengthened our relationship to remember all we'd been through together.
4. Our children have had to learn how to cope with being moved around most of their lives. C went to a different elementary for the first 5 years of her schooling. To this day she gets really stressed out 3 weeks before school starts. It's not pretty in our house. E went from being potty trained at 2, to peeing on the floor behind the couch at 3 1/2. We had to double his size 4 pants and shorts wardrobe to accommodate all the clothing in the wash. We still haven't gotten all the stains out of the carpets from when he 'colored' on them with halloween face paint or permanent markers. We learned the symptoms of ADD and how J has some of those tendencies and we're adjusting accordingly. And learning to adjust his diet to help relieve some of his irritable bowel syndrome. And that A screamed everyday all day for the first 5 years of his life. And we survived! We learned and lived and learned some more. And our children are better for it. And we're better for it.
5. Remembering your past problems sucks. However, I have some REALLY great friends who called me out of the blue to "see how I was doing." Heavenly Father knew just when to send them. And that I really needed to be reminded of friendships and their great ability to rescue a hurting heart. I love my friends for that!
6. You are not alone. You are never alone. And Heavenly Father, our ultimate creator, knows each of those tiny details, each happy, each sad, each joy and each sorrow. And He gave us an older brother to be our ultimate example.
So yes, reliving the past and scrambling to get your house up to code isn't pretty. But it isn't the end of the world either.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Adoption Journey Part 2 - Training
I've debated going into graphic detail about what we learned in the trainings. But then I realized that we've taken this step into the fostering/adoption world because we could handle the information. The rest of the world hasn't asked for this information, so I'm not going to go into detailed details.
But please be aware, you won't like hearing some of the things in this post. I need to write this for me. I also need to write this for others to fully understand what kind of a commitment we've made. Saving souls isn't always pretty.
April 2011
After requesting information about the 18 yr old girl, K and the 14 yr old boy, A, we got an email asking us if we'd completed our home study. Nope, not yet. Then we were sent information in the mail on how to register for classes. In the Indiana CPS system(child protective services), you have to take 20 hours of training for fostering and another 10 for adoption. I don't know what other states require. We were told that the classes were 3 Saturdays, back to back for the fostering and that the May classes were going to be the last ones before the system changed in July. So we hurried up and registered, got a sitter for each week and headed to Ft. Wayne (a 60 min drive).
We met other couples and singles that would be taking the class with us. Only 4 out of the 20+ were doing what we were doing - going straight to adoption. The rest were fostering or trying to get certified to get the foster money to take care of family members. Ages ranged from just out of college to grandparents trying to adopt a grandchild and everywhere in between.
I have to brag on the class. After the first weekend, no one dropped out. Let me explain how important this is. The first weekend is the weekend you need the entire box of kleenex. It's the weekend they show you the video of the children talking about what they've gone through. Hearing an adult explain something, then hearing the same explanation from a child's voice is heartbreaking. No, heart crushing. I've put the script from this one at the bottom. Then we were shown the video of what burns look like on a child. Not from fires, but from things. We heard about smearing (taking the poop & smearing it on walls & carpet). The constant bed wetting (even as teenagers). We saw the video of the kid who'd been in the foster system since he was 4 and had gone through 26 homes, had slept on a mattress on a basement floor that had an inch of water on it, had been taken from his 7 siblings, gone through severe abuses and committed suicide at 19. Or the girl in jail who told why she ended up there and what a brother had done to her and what she'd done to someone else and how awful she felt and how she felt like she'd never be ok again. All the unthinkable things that happen on a daily basis to children. All the hells they live in. Shock and Awe doesn't even cover it.
IF you can survive this weekend, IF you have the courage to show up again, then the state knows you're willing to fight for a child, you're willing to take all their mess and reshape it into something good. Or at least try. And that's all the state asks - is for you to try. And try again. And again.
We left that first training asking each other if this is what we really wanted to do. Yep. Crazy as it sounds, this is where we were being led. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle. We HAVE to have faith in Him or we won't survive the first day. Faith is faith - blind or otherwise.
Side note - during this time we also called LDS Social Services. Being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a natural route to go would be through them. We called the Indianapolis office and talked to the director. LDS Soc Serv is a private agency and we were told the state rarely goes through private agencies. If we wanted to have children from the foster system, then we needed to go through the states channels. Plus LDS Soc Serv catered more to the couple who couldn't have children or hadn't been able to yet. We have 4 biological and technically I could get pregnant again. We didn't qualify. And LDS Soc Serv rarely had children. They were almost exclusively baby driven. We didn't want a baby. We wanted a toddler, child or teen.
So we went back for 2 more Saturdays. Day's filled with parenting techniques, how to not compare your current children with incoming ones, how to connect with school teachers, councilors, clergy, social workers and the dozens and dozens of other people out there that can help you raise this child. We learned that our 4 children, although very similar in looks, were 4 very different children and that we parented them 4 different ways. This we knew, but we learned it wasn't common. That many parents can't figure out why one technique won't work when "it always has." Another blessing - Heavenly Father blessed us to learn how to parent different ways so we wouldn't be the ones going "it's always worked before."
As the end of May came, I realized that 18 yr old K wouldn't be part of our lives. We weren't finished with adoption training or our home study. And 14 yr old A was already placed with a family. So we continued to look at the children on the state website. But I was sad. I'd mentally gone through phone calls from college with K - "Mom, can you wire me $50 to cover rent this month." "Guess what!? I got my first job!" "Dad, theres this boy I want to bring home at Thanksgiving. Are you going to shoot him?" I'd already imagined what life would be like with A - sports, high school activities, college prep classes, hormones, dating. And then they weren't an option anymore. K graduated and moved into the adult world. Whether she was ready or not. I was sad for her. I was sad for me. A was placed in a home. I was happy for him! Truly. And I still hope he's doing well. He'll be a junior this year.
June - more training in Adoption. I'm not sure who was leading the class. We had a volunteer coordinator who tried to keep us on track, but the majority of the time was listening to the parents in there that had already adopted and were going through it again. What a vast source of knowledge! And the patience some of these parents had! I had a long way to go.
CPR on a dummy is just weird. It always had been for me as a child, but I figured I'm an adult, this should be ok now. Nope. Still weird. Another day was spent in CPR class, first aid training and universal precautions. Want to know what I really took away from this?? My children are SO accident prone. No wonder a broken arm doesn't phase me. A scrapped knee is nothing.
End of June - all trainings complete and certificates in hand! Woo hoo! Now it's time for the home study. Let's get going, there are children to adopt.
Sitting and waiting is Not a strength of mine. I prefer to dart in and out of traffic and go through my day full steam ahead. The state has other plans. We waited 2 months to be contacted for our home study. It was agony waiting for someone to call us to schedule a time to come out. When Doug finally did call, it was to verify our address so he could send us the paper work to fill out before he came. WOW! The paper work!
**There are graphic things written here. Pleased be advised, this is at least PG-13.**
I want to talk to you about what it feels like getting ready to be adopted, when you are a little kid who has already had about a hundred mothers.
When you can barely remember what your first mother smelled like.
When everyone spoke a different language in the place where you were born than in the place you are now.
When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around.
When, in the process of being moved all over the place, you lost some of your brothers and your sisters and a particular pair of shoes that felt just right and your absolutely most favorite cuddly, and a certain place on the inside of your last crib where you used to scratch with your fingernail to help yourself go to sleep.
Kids like me, see, don't have families of our own.
Because there's something wrong about us. (I guess) Or because there aren't enough to go around. Or something.
And I probably won't get one, either.
Or if I do, will it be too late for me to believe that they love me, and are going to stay with me?
So I want to talk to you, Big People, about these things, even though I am not sure you are real interested.
Are you the same Big People who keep doing these things to me in the first place? (Please don't get offended if I talk to all of you at once: caseworkers, foster parents, judges, adoptive parents. I just need to say how it all feels to me, and sometimes I can't get the cast of characters straight.)
Some people say that my first parents shook me until my eyeballs got loosened up, or they left me alone, or they gave me away, or they just ran away.
I guess you think, because of that, I am supposed to not miss them? (Because if I did it would sure make me lots more cooperative with all the plans you keep making for me.)
Should I just say, "They did the best they could" so I am not so ticked off and lonely and worried all the time about what the Big People are going to do next?
The truth is, I can't do any of these things: I can't forget. (Even when my brain does, my body won't.) I can't stop myself from yearning (even though later I will get quite good at playing games about this).
I'm not saying I was some cherished treasure or anything in my family. But what were you thinking when you sent big men in uniforms to grab me out of my screaming father's arms at eleven o'clock at night, scaring me to death? Or when you sent me to a foster home without telling them about the special ways I needed to be handled because I had never stayed anywhere long enough to get attached to anybody?
Or when you then took me from those people who were so disappointed in me after a few weeks that they said I would have to be "disrupted" (whatever that means).
So you sent me to a family with an older foster child who was mean to little kids because they were weak and small. And so he punched me a lot in secret. And pulled real hard on my penis in the middle of the night.
And when that family got rid of me, and the next, and the next, did you think I was going to take it all lying down? Did you think I was supposed to just be sweet and adorable and ready to connect to yet another family who were going to throw me away? (Could you have done that?)
After a while, I had just lost too many people that I might have cared about. I had been with too many "parents" who really weren't, because they couldn't hold me tightly in their hearts at all.
None of you got how I was being changed by all these losses, (in my heart and in my behavior).
After a while, I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. And mostly those ideas said that I was, by that time, in deep doo-doo.
I wasn't going to let anybody like me. Not even me.
And so, now, I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately. That I might ever grow to trust you. I am not, after all, a complete moron.
Are you ready to have me not believe you?
Are you ready for me to fight you for control?
Are you ready to hold me, and then hold me some more (when all the time I act like I don't want you to at all?)
Are you ready to really stay with me, through a battle that might last almost my whole growing up? Are you willing to feel as powerless as I do?
What will you think when I say I don't care a bit whether you go on vacation and leave me with Aunt Harriet, who I hardly know at all? Then, when you come back, are you ready to deal with me taking a dump in front of your bedroom door every single day for three whole weeks?
You see, it is like this, Big People: I'm not stupid. I was not blind. I do pay attention, because it matters lots to me.
And so when my first parents knocked me around or acted like I was invisible, or gave me to someone else to raise, or stood there screaming while you took me away from them, I noticed.
And when no one came to take their place, I noticed that too.
And when the orphanage didn't last, and the first half-dozen foster families didn't last, something started happening to me.
A little bit of my spirit started to die.
For some reason, then, I started pulling out my eyebrows. (I'm not sure what that has to do with my spirit dying.) I agree that it doesn't make much sense for me to join in with all the other people that have hurt me, by hurting myself. But I do it anyway.
So I bite on my hand, or dig at my face, or make a real bad sore on the top of my head from scratching myself.
I pull out clumps of my hair, and so the kids at preschool laugh, and Big People have an odd look on their faces when they see me.
I masturbate a lot to comfort myself. (I even let a dog lick me down there.) They say that sometimes I try to touch other kids down there.
Sometimes I run into the arms of strangers, like I have known them forever, and like I don't actually care anymore who I am safe with or not.
(Am I safe with anybody? Does it matter any more?)
Did I mention how much I am growing to hate smallness, and weakness and defenselessness? It's getting so the only thing I know how to do is to just be as tough as I can, and to try to rub out smallness and weakness wherever I see them:
And as little parts of my spirit keep dying, will it surprise you that I'm not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have permanent parents for me? Do you honestly think I am going to say, "Oh, I get it. You were just kidding all those other times, but this time you really mean it"?
And, so, do you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me) I'm going to get just a tad weird. I'm going to start banging my head more than I did before. I might start acting like a baby again and, even if I had gotten a little bit comfortable with my latest "parents" I'm going to go back to stiffening my body, and screaming at night, and doing everything I can to tell you that I don't want you to love me.
I can't stand all this talk about "permanence" and "adoption".
I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt.
So are you wondering what I need? Are you wondering what I would do about all of this if I had the power?
First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself:
Second, don't imagine that I will ever stop yearning for my birthfamily (even though, as in other things, I will pretend otherwise). Help me find some way to keep a connection with them, even if I never see them again. Bring out pictures, or a Life Book and hold me while I rage or sob or stare, or all of these at once. And understand that none of this is a reflection on you.
Don't be surprised when I come back from a visit with them peeing my pants or throwing tantrums in the bath that night.
I told you: things matter to me. So I am going to have feelings about things that matter to me.
Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them.
Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I can't tell what it is; later I'll learn that there was a court hearing that day and everybody in my life was wrought up and then it was "continued" (whatever that means - except mostly that nothing is getting decided, and I still don't have a family).
I don't get to make the decisions. You do. So have the courage to make them. So that I can get a life.
Fourth, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full. Sometimes they don't know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won't like what will happen if I keep getting disrupted, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take extra good care of the people that are taking care of me.
So have I told you anything that you wanted to know? Have I helped you to understand how we feel - all of us kids who fell into the world of foster care and adoption?
I know it is a burden for you to think so carefully about me, and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and affected by all that you do.
But you won't be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be Big People.
GIVE THAT A THOUGHT.
But please be aware, you won't like hearing some of the things in this post. I need to write this for me. I also need to write this for others to fully understand what kind of a commitment we've made. Saving souls isn't always pretty.
April 2011
After requesting information about the 18 yr old girl, K and the 14 yr old boy, A, we got an email asking us if we'd completed our home study. Nope, not yet. Then we were sent information in the mail on how to register for classes. In the Indiana CPS system(child protective services), you have to take 20 hours of training for fostering and another 10 for adoption. I don't know what other states require. We were told that the classes were 3 Saturdays, back to back for the fostering and that the May classes were going to be the last ones before the system changed in July. So we hurried up and registered, got a sitter for each week and headed to Ft. Wayne (a 60 min drive).
We met other couples and singles that would be taking the class with us. Only 4 out of the 20+ were doing what we were doing - going straight to adoption. The rest were fostering or trying to get certified to get the foster money to take care of family members. Ages ranged from just out of college to grandparents trying to adopt a grandchild and everywhere in between.
I have to brag on the class. After the first weekend, no one dropped out. Let me explain how important this is. The first weekend is the weekend you need the entire box of kleenex. It's the weekend they show you the video of the children talking about what they've gone through. Hearing an adult explain something, then hearing the same explanation from a child's voice is heartbreaking. No, heart crushing. I've put the script from this one at the bottom. Then we were shown the video of what burns look like on a child. Not from fires, but from things. We heard about smearing (taking the poop & smearing it on walls & carpet). The constant bed wetting (even as teenagers). We saw the video of the kid who'd been in the foster system since he was 4 and had gone through 26 homes, had slept on a mattress on a basement floor that had an inch of water on it, had been taken from his 7 siblings, gone through severe abuses and committed suicide at 19. Or the girl in jail who told why she ended up there and what a brother had done to her and what she'd done to someone else and how awful she felt and how she felt like she'd never be ok again. All the unthinkable things that happen on a daily basis to children. All the hells they live in. Shock and Awe doesn't even cover it.
IF you can survive this weekend, IF you have the courage to show up again, then the state knows you're willing to fight for a child, you're willing to take all their mess and reshape it into something good. Or at least try. And that's all the state asks - is for you to try. And try again. And again.
We left that first training asking each other if this is what we really wanted to do. Yep. Crazy as it sounds, this is where we were being led. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle. We HAVE to have faith in Him or we won't survive the first day. Faith is faith - blind or otherwise.
Side note - during this time we also called LDS Social Services. Being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a natural route to go would be through them. We called the Indianapolis office and talked to the director. LDS Soc Serv is a private agency and we were told the state rarely goes through private agencies. If we wanted to have children from the foster system, then we needed to go through the states channels. Plus LDS Soc Serv catered more to the couple who couldn't have children or hadn't been able to yet. We have 4 biological and technically I could get pregnant again. We didn't qualify. And LDS Soc Serv rarely had children. They were almost exclusively baby driven. We didn't want a baby. We wanted a toddler, child or teen.
So we went back for 2 more Saturdays. Day's filled with parenting techniques, how to not compare your current children with incoming ones, how to connect with school teachers, councilors, clergy, social workers and the dozens and dozens of other people out there that can help you raise this child. We learned that our 4 children, although very similar in looks, were 4 very different children and that we parented them 4 different ways. This we knew, but we learned it wasn't common. That many parents can't figure out why one technique won't work when "it always has." Another blessing - Heavenly Father blessed us to learn how to parent different ways so we wouldn't be the ones going "it's always worked before."
As the end of May came, I realized that 18 yr old K wouldn't be part of our lives. We weren't finished with adoption training or our home study. And 14 yr old A was already placed with a family. So we continued to look at the children on the state website. But I was sad. I'd mentally gone through phone calls from college with K - "Mom, can you wire me $50 to cover rent this month." "Guess what!? I got my first job!" "Dad, theres this boy I want to bring home at Thanksgiving. Are you going to shoot him?" I'd already imagined what life would be like with A - sports, high school activities, college prep classes, hormones, dating. And then they weren't an option anymore. K graduated and moved into the adult world. Whether she was ready or not. I was sad for her. I was sad for me. A was placed in a home. I was happy for him! Truly. And I still hope he's doing well. He'll be a junior this year.
June - more training in Adoption. I'm not sure who was leading the class. We had a volunteer coordinator who tried to keep us on track, but the majority of the time was listening to the parents in there that had already adopted and were going through it again. What a vast source of knowledge! And the patience some of these parents had! I had a long way to go.
CPR on a dummy is just weird. It always had been for me as a child, but I figured I'm an adult, this should be ok now. Nope. Still weird. Another day was spent in CPR class, first aid training and universal precautions. Want to know what I really took away from this?? My children are SO accident prone. No wonder a broken arm doesn't phase me. A scrapped knee is nothing.
End of June - all trainings complete and certificates in hand! Woo hoo! Now it's time for the home study. Let's get going, there are children to adopt.
Sitting and waiting is Not a strength of mine. I prefer to dart in and out of traffic and go through my day full steam ahead. The state has other plans. We waited 2 months to be contacted for our home study. It was agony waiting for someone to call us to schedule a time to come out. When Doug finally did call, it was to verify our address so he could send us the paper work to fill out before he came. WOW! The paper work!
Reading this last part is optional and a part of your innocence could be taken away by reading this. But I want to tell you of the deep faith and commitment I have to children. Reading this alone is helping me to be a better mom. Just because a child has gone through this, doesn't mean the children who don't need you any less. Read this if you choose.
Then go hug a child and read them a story. And tell a good mom and dad what a great job they are doing. You'll feel better when you do.
**There are graphic things written here. Pleased be advised, this is at least PG-13.**
The script from "A Young Child's Point of View."
In the video, the following script is delivered without the presence or voices of any adult. The words are displayed on the screen, with a child saying them.
When everyone spoke a different language in the place where you were born than in the place you are now.
When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around.
When, in the process of being moved all over the place, you lost some of your brothers and your sisters and a particular pair of shoes that felt just right and your absolutely most favorite cuddly, and a certain place on the inside of your last crib where you used to scratch with your fingernail to help yourself go to sleep.
Kids like me, see, don't have families of our own.
Because there's something wrong about us. (I guess) Or because there aren't enough to go around. Or something.
And I probably won't get one, either.
Or if I do, will it be too late for me to believe that they love me, and are going to stay with me?
So I want to talk to you, Big People, about these things, even though I am not sure you are real interested.
Are you the same Big People who keep doing these things to me in the first place? (Please don't get offended if I talk to all of you at once: caseworkers, foster parents, judges, adoptive parents. I just need to say how it all feels to me, and sometimes I can't get the cast of characters straight.)
Some people say that my first parents shook me until my eyeballs got loosened up, or they left me alone, or they gave me away, or they just ran away.
I guess you think, because of that, I am supposed to not miss them? (Because if I did it would sure make me lots more cooperative with all the plans you keep making for me.)
Should I just say, "They did the best they could" so I am not so ticked off and lonely and worried all the time about what the Big People are going to do next?
The truth is, I can't do any of these things: I can't forget. (Even when my brain does, my body won't.) I can't stop myself from yearning (even though later I will get quite good at playing games about this).
I'm not saying I was some cherished treasure or anything in my family. But what were you thinking when you sent big men in uniforms to grab me out of my screaming father's arms at eleven o'clock at night, scaring me to death? Or when you sent me to a foster home without telling them about the special ways I needed to be handled because I had never stayed anywhere long enough to get attached to anybody?
Or when you then took me from those people who were so disappointed in me after a few weeks that they said I would have to be "disrupted" (whatever that means).
So you sent me to a family with an older foster child who was mean to little kids because they were weak and small. And so he punched me a lot in secret. And pulled real hard on my penis in the middle of the night.
And when that family got rid of me, and the next, and the next, did you think I was going to take it all lying down? Did you think I was supposed to just be sweet and adorable and ready to connect to yet another family who were going to throw me away? (Could you have done that?)
After a while, I had just lost too many people that I might have cared about. I had been with too many "parents" who really weren't, because they couldn't hold me tightly in their hearts at all.
None of you got how I was being changed by all these losses, (in my heart and in my behavior).
After a while, I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. And mostly those ideas said that I was, by that time, in deep doo-doo.
I wasn't going to let anybody like me. Not even me.
And so, now, I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately. That I might ever grow to trust you. I am not, after all, a complete moron.
Are you ready to have me not believe you?
Are you ready for me to fight you for control?
Are you ready to hold me, and then hold me some more (when all the time I act like I don't want you to at all?)
What will you think when I say I don't care a bit whether you go on vacation and leave me with Aunt Harriet, who I hardly know at all? Then, when you come back, are you ready to deal with me taking a dump in front of your bedroom door every single day for three whole weeks?
You see, it is like this, Big People: I'm not stupid. I was not blind. I do pay attention, because it matters lots to me.
And so when my first parents knocked me around or acted like I was invisible, or gave me to someone else to raise, or stood there screaming while you took me away from them, I noticed.
And when no one came to take their place, I noticed that too.
And when the orphanage didn't last, and the first half-dozen foster families didn't last, something started happening to me.
A little bit of my spirit started to die.
For some reason, then, I started pulling out my eyebrows. (I'm not sure what that has to do with my spirit dying.) I agree that it doesn't make much sense for me to join in with all the other people that have hurt me, by hurting myself. But I do it anyway.
So I bite on my hand, or dig at my face, or make a real bad sore on the top of my head from scratching myself.
I pull out clumps of my hair, and so the kids at preschool laugh, and Big People have an odd look on their faces when they see me.
I masturbate a lot to comfort myself. (I even let a dog lick me down there.) They say that sometimes I try to touch other kids down there.
Sometimes I run into the arms of strangers, like I have known them forever, and like I don't actually care anymore who I am safe with or not.
(Am I safe with anybody? Does it matter any more?)
Did I mention how much I am growing to hate smallness, and weakness and defenselessness? It's getting so the only thing I know how to do is to just be as tough as I can, and to try to rub out smallness and weakness wherever I see them:
In the kittens that get hung by the clothesline in the backyard and squished with a tennis racquet.
In the babies in my recent foster homes who turned up scratched.
In my own Self, which I attack, particularly when I am feeling small or scared, and I need to beat myself into more toughness.
And as little parts of my spirit keep dying, will it surprise you that I'm not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have permanent parents for me? Do you honestly think I am going to say, "Oh, I get it. You were just kidding all those other times, but this time you really mean it"?
And, so, do you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me) I'm going to get just a tad weird. I'm going to start banging my head more than I did before. I might start acting like a baby again and, even if I had gotten a little bit comfortable with my latest "parents" I'm going to go back to stiffening my body, and screaming at night, and doing everything I can to tell you that I don't want you to love me.
I can't stand all this talk about "permanence" and "adoption".
I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt.
So are you wondering what I need? Are you wondering what I would do about all of this if I had the power?
First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself:
Never forget that I am watching. Never forget that every single thing you do matters immensely to me (even when I work like crazy to make you think that it does not). And I will remember.You may be able to get away with treating me as if I am invisible for a while (perhaps long enough to "disrupt" me or move yourself to a different casework job). I was there, watching, I was having deep feelings about what was happening to me and I needed someone to act as if it mattered, hugely.
Second, don't imagine that I will ever stop yearning for my birthfamily (even though, as in other things, I will pretend otherwise). Help me find some way to keep a connection with them, even if I never see them again. Bring out pictures, or a Life Book and hold me while I rage or sob or stare, or all of these at once. And understand that none of this is a reflection on you.
Don't be surprised when I come back from a visit with them peeing my pants or throwing tantrums in the bath that night.
I told you: things matter to me. So I am going to have feelings about things that matter to me.
Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them.
Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I can't tell what it is; later I'll learn that there was a court hearing that day and everybody in my life was wrought up and then it was "continued" (whatever that means - except mostly that nothing is getting decided, and I still don't have a family).
I don't get to make the decisions. You do. So have the courage to make them. So that I can get a life.
Fourth, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full. Sometimes they don't know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won't like what will happen if I keep getting disrupted, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take extra good care of the people that are taking care of me.
So have I told you anything that you wanted to know? Have I helped you to understand how we feel - all of us kids who fell into the world of foster care and adoption?
I know it is a burden for you to think so carefully about me, and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and affected by all that you do.
But you won't be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be Big People.
GIVE THAT A THOUGHT.
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