On June 5, we received an email for a sibling group of 4. Yes, you read that right - 4!! That same day, I received the same email from a friend (who's also adopted out the Indiana State system) telling me I should take a closer look at these kids. They're names all stared with D and they were 1 1/2, 2 1/2, 3 1/2 & 4 1/2. WHAT?!!?
Ok, so, I'm nuts to think it, but I looked at them and thought - heck yes, bring on the mayhem. BUT, the biggest difference between these kids and many of the others was......there was still a light in their eyes. They hadn't been hurt so badly that the light in their eyes was gone or dimmed. They'd been with the same foster family for 13 months. No shifting from foster to mom and dad and back again. The baby had only known one home.
We took a serious look at these guys (boy, girl, girl, boy) and after 2 days of praying and pondering, sent an email back to our SNAP specialist saying yes. Then I went into 'go' mode. Adding four kids was insanity, but I'd seen it done before (well, I'd read about it) and their ages were a perfect fit into our family. Ok, so they were toddlers, no prob. At this point, I hadn't put away the toddler things. I loved teaching all my kids Pre-K and Joy School and still had ALL of my homeschooling/preschool curriculum. I could do this.
My other 4 kids were all getting big enough and in the routines enough that they would be a major help around the house. We could do this. We'd started the shaved ice business thinking that with 8 kids, we'd REALLY need to have extra income to support them later on. And, there would be plenty of summer time help! lol And my house wouldn't be so quiet during the days or quite so lonely. It seemed like a great thing! We could do this.
The State's fiscal year starts in July. So when I didn't hear anything for a month, I figured they were busy transitioning. Mid July - no word. Odd, because they usually respond within 2 weeks. No reply to the email I sent mid-July, either. No word and no reply to the email I sent mid-August. I thought it was still odd, but the Lord's timing is perfect and with a new business, summer baseball, pool parties and getting ready for back to school, I had plenty of things I needed to do to prepare for these kids.
By mid-September, I didn't care if it was rude or prying or not, I needed to know about these kids. I'd heard that there were tons of requests for them. I knew we were being compared to 50 other parents. But I thought we had a chance. It felt right!
But it wasn't to be. A call to our SNAP specialist told us that their foster family wanted to adopt them. Awesome! These kids needed the love and stability they already had. I was happy for them. I was miserable for me.
I'd already smelled their hair in my mind. I'd felt their tiny hands holding my fingers. I'd already kissed their sweet cheeks and given them eskimo kisses. I felt them in my arms, crawling into my lap with a book. I'd felt that. I couldn't deny it. I couldn't even begin to cope with it not happening.
It took me a week. A week to process. Mostly because I felt like I couldn't call a soul. Everyone already thought I was absolutely nuts for wanting to adopt 4. How could I explain to them how real this loss was? How could I tell them how badly I was hurting inside? Even the hubs didn't quite get it. The kids were a little bummed, but not too much. It was all me.
I emailed my friend who'd already adopted. What do I do now? I asked her. She let me cry with her in emails. It wasn't until I saw her a week later at a Women's conference that I completely broke down. It a room full of 200 women. Julie hugged me and let me cry on her shoulder. I tried to suck it up and not embarrass myself. I dried my tears, we all finished our dinner and then moved into another room for the conference broadcast.
As I sat there and listened to how wonderful families were and how much Heavenly Father loved his children, the burden of not having these babies felt heavier and heavier. By the intermediate hymn, I went into the hall and sobbed uncontrollably. Every pain, every touch, every tiny little finger had a fountain of tears to go with it. I never knew how much you could physically ache for a tiny little person you'd never even met. I never knew my arms could hurt from not having these babies in them. I'd only seen a picture, but a thousand memories and hopes had filled my mind for four months and all of it needed to be released.
A sweet women over heard me and came out to the hall to talk. She chatted for a while, hugged me and left. It was all the distraction I needed. I'd spent my tears; few were left. I hung out in the back of the room til the conference was over. The women I'd ridden with were there for me as well. I made it home before crying myself to sleep. The problem with doing that is you wake up with a terrible headache and swollen eyes. Not so fun. ;)
These four D named children were no longer mine, no longer an option. What was I going to do now? I'd been so scared through this process that someone was going to get hurt; me, my kids, my future kids. How was I to know which child was to be ours? How strong was my faith? These for little souls had been a fabulous solution. They were young, teachable, lovable and didn't have teenage hormones mucking it all up. I'd felt so much hope for this process. Hope I hadn't allowed myself to feel. I'd put on a brave face up to this point. That bravado was now gone.
Where do you go after a loss? You turn to your higher power first and foremost. Heavenly Father had never lead me astray. The Savior had atoned for all these hurts, too. I mourned and then I sat back and asked Heavenly Father - OK, what next?
So I continued on with my life. I continued re-prioritizing, reorganizing, re-everyting. As I waited, the hurt became less. I really was happy that these children had a loving home, that wanted them. It made all the difference in the world. And I knew what I'd felt from Heavenly Father. Perhaps He was preparing me for something else. Perhaps He was testing me to see if I would do anything He asked. I hope I passed the test. I hope that I learned what He wanted me to learn. We'll see. :)
Until then, we continued to watch and wait. We continued to randomly look online. It was difficult, but not painful. Hope still lingered in the corners. And in our hearts.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 7 - Prepare every needful thing
After the sibling group of three was no longer an option, we sat back to wait. Profiles came in and out of the inbox and in and out of the online website. When would another group show up? When would a child be in our lives?
We kept our children updated on all status's. After a while, I think they just got tired of hearing about them. Not that they weren't excited or interested, there were just so many. Each one we read had to be a decision to press forward or not.
In the process of deciding, home studies, profiles and your own crazy life, you get to evaluate and re-evaluate your home, your patterns of behavior, your systems (chores, meals, laundry, etc) and the state of your home, your body & your life. This was going to be the first time having a new child and not having my body involved. An interesting scenario. While there is a connection that is made with your unborn child and your new born, there is also a tremendous toll taken on your body. Dad's never experience this, so they're good to go. Lucky guys! But women do and I was interested (still am) about how much this was going to be different.
If your a fan of FLY lady, you'll know her mantra is "Finally Loving Yourself" and that we have house clutter, body clutter, life clutter. In the mix of all our daily life things, we opened a business (Shaved Ice) and when that was done, I went back to work (cafeteria lady). Both were great. The business would be a great solution for the summer job dilemmas our children would face, we'd make enough (hopefully) to pay for some of their college & missions & the cost was relatively low to start up. When the season closed at summers end, the cafeteria job was a great solution to help pay for the loan payment on the business. I'd only work when the kids were in school & only a few hours a day.
But I'm an overachiever and I added more and more to my plate. I was still teaching piano lessons & was a mega volunteer for the local parent/teacher group at the junior high. My days were packed and my life was, too. 3 weeks of this and I was done. I couldn't be super mom and survive. It was time to evaluate what was really important to keep and what had to go.
I liked the job. It was helping cover the loans and the women I worked with were awesome. But I needed to go to substitute status. That was a great solution. I would have time to do my projects & time to work. And being out of the house that much really helped me figure out what was really important at home and what had to go. FLY lady - take over!
I'd spent so much time filling my life and my house with "things" that I was swimming in clutter. My constant activity with the kids was chores. BORING! They hated it. I hated it. Don't get me wrong, they still have chores, but we are getting the rooms cleaned out and the messes are being coming .... less. Less mess, less clutter, less unnecessary clothing, toys, books, games, craft supplies, garage supplies, food we weren't eating (a recipe called for capers & I couldn't make it, so I held onto the jar for far too long. It had to go cause I wasn't going to be using capers in anything). My pantry was shaping into foods we'd actually eat, my menus were coming together, meal times were better, chore times were better. It was just getting better.
But the best thing that came out of all this dumping- EBC! Extra Brain Capacity! It was awesome! I started focusing on my boundaries and what I would allow in my life and what I wouldn't. The toddler books and games got boxed up for a "just in case we get a toddler". The mass amount of clothes in my teenage girls room was boxed up for a younger cousin. The books that were torn in half, but still kept getting shelved, gone. The decor that the previous owners had left that I'd spent the last 4 years trying to make work with my decor (and not succeeding) - gone. Four 30 gallon trash bags full from the Den alone!
And I'm not done going through the house. This week, the boys room is getting attacked. Two weeks ago it was the girls. Many people go through this process, and some (lucky!) never have to deal with clutter. I come from a long line of "keep it, we might need that some day." And yes, there are things that I totally need and use! It's cool. But there are SO many more things that have to go.
In the process of waiting, I've gotten the wonderful chance to dump my clutter. It's still going. I read it takes a professional organizer 12 - 15 hours per room to get it into shape. And that's a pro! So I give myself time to get it all together. And I'm loving the EBC that comes with it. I'm becoming a better mom and wife and I'm learning how to say no to the things that really don't matter.
I've needed this time to get ready. To prepare. And Heavenly Father knew I needed this time. Because He knew we'd get an email that would change our summer.
We kept our children updated on all status's. After a while, I think they just got tired of hearing about them. Not that they weren't excited or interested, there were just so many. Each one we read had to be a decision to press forward or not.
In the process of deciding, home studies, profiles and your own crazy life, you get to evaluate and re-evaluate your home, your patterns of behavior, your systems (chores, meals, laundry, etc) and the state of your home, your body & your life. This was going to be the first time having a new child and not having my body involved. An interesting scenario. While there is a connection that is made with your unborn child and your new born, there is also a tremendous toll taken on your body. Dad's never experience this, so they're good to go. Lucky guys! But women do and I was interested (still am) about how much this was going to be different.
If your a fan of FLY lady, you'll know her mantra is "Finally Loving Yourself" and that we have house clutter, body clutter, life clutter. In the mix of all our daily life things, we opened a business (Shaved Ice) and when that was done, I went back to work (cafeteria lady). Both were great. The business would be a great solution for the summer job dilemmas our children would face, we'd make enough (hopefully) to pay for some of their college & missions & the cost was relatively low to start up. When the season closed at summers end, the cafeteria job was a great solution to help pay for the loan payment on the business. I'd only work when the kids were in school & only a few hours a day.
But I'm an overachiever and I added more and more to my plate. I was still teaching piano lessons & was a mega volunteer for the local parent/teacher group at the junior high. My days were packed and my life was, too. 3 weeks of this and I was done. I couldn't be super mom and survive. It was time to evaluate what was really important to keep and what had to go.
I liked the job. It was helping cover the loans and the women I worked with were awesome. But I needed to go to substitute status. That was a great solution. I would have time to do my projects & time to work. And being out of the house that much really helped me figure out what was really important at home and what had to go. FLY lady - take over!
I'd spent so much time filling my life and my house with "things" that I was swimming in clutter. My constant activity with the kids was chores. BORING! They hated it. I hated it. Don't get me wrong, they still have chores, but we are getting the rooms cleaned out and the messes are being coming .... less. Less mess, less clutter, less unnecessary clothing, toys, books, games, craft supplies, garage supplies, food we weren't eating (a recipe called for capers & I couldn't make it, so I held onto the jar for far too long. It had to go cause I wasn't going to be using capers in anything). My pantry was shaping into foods we'd actually eat, my menus were coming together, meal times were better, chore times were better. It was just getting better.
But the best thing that came out of all this dumping- EBC! Extra Brain Capacity! It was awesome! I started focusing on my boundaries and what I would allow in my life and what I wouldn't. The toddler books and games got boxed up for a "just in case we get a toddler". The mass amount of clothes in my teenage girls room was boxed up for a younger cousin. The books that were torn in half, but still kept getting shelved, gone. The decor that the previous owners had left that I'd spent the last 4 years trying to make work with my decor (and not succeeding) - gone. Four 30 gallon trash bags full from the Den alone!
And I'm not done going through the house. This week, the boys room is getting attacked. Two weeks ago it was the girls. Many people go through this process, and some (lucky!) never have to deal with clutter. I come from a long line of "keep it, we might need that some day." And yes, there are things that I totally need and use! It's cool. But there are SO many more things that have to go.
In the process of waiting, I've gotten the wonderful chance to dump my clutter. It's still going. I read it takes a professional organizer 12 - 15 hours per room to get it into shape. And that's a pro! So I give myself time to get it all together. And I'm loving the EBC that comes with it. I'm becoming a better mom and wife and I'm learning how to say no to the things that really don't matter.
I've needed this time to get ready. To prepare. And Heavenly Father knew I needed this time. Because He knew we'd get an email that would change our summer.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 6 - The first time we said Yes
I've apologized for leaving you hanging on the last post, but I've been informed that all posts leave you hanging. Thanks for being patient with me! :)
So....we said yes to I, K & J. They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively. Fabulous! They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between. Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions. Reaction 1 - Wow! That's so awesome that you would keep them together! Reaction 2 - Are you nuts!? You have 4 and now your adding 3 more! That's 7 you know. (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)
Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children. We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate). We also have the desire. And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us. And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.
It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you. No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!
We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder. Meaning? When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.) Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form. She isn't able to bond with a human. As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone. And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best. Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.
Is there help? Yes. There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections. You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there. You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains. Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward. It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists. And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).
Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more? Because I was raised by people who never gave up. Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up. When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5). She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again. She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again. I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar. I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us. There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us. Anything.
I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it. Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them. Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend. Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything. Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.
Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly. We knew we could handle 7 year old K. And that we could help her. And that somewhere in there, she could help us.
But the state is not new at this job. This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD. It's not the first time they've told someone "No." Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children." Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this. Was this a concern of ours from the beginning? Yes, of course. We would Never put out children in danger. But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.
We could have done. We would have done it. We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes. As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes. But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.
So....we said yes to I, K & J. They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively. Fabulous! They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between. Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions. Reaction 1 - Wow! That's so awesome that you would keep them together! Reaction 2 - Are you nuts!? You have 4 and now your adding 3 more! That's 7 you know. (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)
Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children. We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate). We also have the desire. And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us. And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.
It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you. No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!
We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder. Meaning? When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.) Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form. She isn't able to bond with a human. As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone. And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best. Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.
Is there help? Yes. There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections. You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there. You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains. Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward. It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists. And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).
Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more? Because I was raised by people who never gave up. Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up. When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5). She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again. She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again. I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar. I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us. There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us. Anything.
I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it. Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them. Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend. Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything. Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.
Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly. We knew we could handle 7 year old K. And that we could help her. And that somewhere in there, she could help us.
But the state is not new at this job. This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD. It's not the first time they've told someone "No." Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children." Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this. Was this a concern of ours from the beginning? Yes, of course. We would Never put out children in danger. But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.
We could have done. We would have done it. We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes. As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes. But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 5 - The Real Profiles, the Lost Sheep.
All the parenting in the world and all the training in the world will not prepare you for the harsh reality of those first full profiles. Not at all. You can conjure up all sorts of scenarios in your head, but until you read that first one, you really have no clue what these kids go through.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Adoption Journey Part 4 - SNAP approval
On March 12, 2012 we received a phone call from Doug saying we'd been SNAP (special needs adoption program) approved! We'd finished our home study 3 months before that and had waited and waited to get the "approval!" We were one month away from being in the process a full year. Wow time flies!
We decided to celebrate, so we took the kids to Ruby Tuesday for dinner that night. When you are SNAP approved, you have access to all the profiles online. It takes several days to several weeks to get info back on the child/children you request. This day, I only had access to the general profiles. No details. I printed off 30 or so profiles and presented them to the family.
Our children have been involved in the entire process. We tailor information based on their ages, but over all they have been involved in everything. So we took the profiles to the kids and voted. Some of the kids voted on looks or qualities these children possessed. Would they make a good big or little brother or sister? Did they like animals because we have 2 dogs and a cat? What did they want to be when they grew up? Things like that.
Scott and I read in-between the lines. A profile that read "two parent home with older children" meant - don't have any little kids, cause they could get hurt. So we veto'd those. Others that would say "needs close supervision while providing structure and a safe environment" usually meant, "this kids are going to take up all of you time and energies because he/she needs that. How much time are you willing to take away from your current children?" Tough decision.
So we evaluated each of the 30 or so profiles and came up with a top 10 as a family. Then Scott and I went to work narrowing down the field to our top 3, then the top 2. We prayed about which child would be ours. We wanted it to work out so desperately.
We requested information on 15 year old K and 12 year old J. What we got back shocked us to the core of our souls. What on earth did we sign up for? And how on earth were we going to get through it?
We decided to celebrate, so we took the kids to Ruby Tuesday for dinner that night. When you are SNAP approved, you have access to all the profiles online. It takes several days to several weeks to get info back on the child/children you request. This day, I only had access to the general profiles. No details. I printed off 30 or so profiles and presented them to the family.
Our children have been involved in the entire process. We tailor information based on their ages, but over all they have been involved in everything. So we took the profiles to the kids and voted. Some of the kids voted on looks or qualities these children possessed. Would they make a good big or little brother or sister? Did they like animals because we have 2 dogs and a cat? What did they want to be when they grew up? Things like that.
Scott and I read in-between the lines. A profile that read "two parent home with older children" meant - don't have any little kids, cause they could get hurt. So we veto'd those. Others that would say "needs close supervision while providing structure and a safe environment" usually meant, "this kids are going to take up all of you time and energies because he/she needs that. How much time are you willing to take away from your current children?" Tough decision.
So we evaluated each of the 30 or so profiles and came up with a top 10 as a family. Then Scott and I went to work narrowing down the field to our top 3, then the top 2. We prayed about which child would be ours. We wanted it to work out so desperately.
We requested information on 15 year old K and 12 year old J. What we got back shocked us to the core of our souls. What on earth did we sign up for? And how on earth were we going to get through it?
Adoption Journey Part 3 - The home study
“Honesty is the best policy.” How many times have we heard that line? But is it? IS Honesty the best policy. Yes it is, but there are many different levels of honesty.
I’ve sat on this post, so far, the longest amount of time. The Home Study is designed to dig out all the elements of your life so that you can best be matched to a child with similar problems/personalities. Sounds reasonable. Until you try to do that with a complete stranger - your home study specialist.
I’ve debated what to put in this post. There are things from my past that help others realize I’m not a spoiled white girl that was raised in the lap of luxury with a silver spoon in her mouth. Far from it! But when people repent and try to fix their past, is it good to go back and let it resurface over and over? For the world of adoption, yes. Yes it is required to relive and retell all that has ever happened to you to make you who you are today. Because the state needs to know how you’ve overcome your past hurts. They need to know how you succeeded and how you are going to help a child/children overcome the same problems. There are many many details that had to be shared with Doug, our case worker. For this post, I’m going to leave the details out.
Suffice it to say, I’ve suffered every form of abuse - verbal, physical, emotional and sexual. You don’t need to know specifics, who, when and where. You just need to know that I’ve survived all of these things. And Scott has been subjected to verbal, physical and emotional abuses. I’m grateful he never suffered from being sexually abused. And, as strange as it sounds, I’m grateful for the things that have happened to me.
WHAT?!!? Grateful - she’s really nuts now. We thought she was crazy before. You know, having 4 kids and then wanting to adopt more! But now she’s actually grateful for abuse!??! e.x.p.l.a.i.n.
Have you ever sat with someone and watched them cry over a hurt and have had absolutely no idea how to help them because you can’t even imagine what they’ve gone through, much less relate? Or the other side of it, have you known exactly how to help them because you’ve been there, done that, don’t even ask for a t-shirt? I HATE feeling out of control!! And I don’t like to see others suffer. So if something bad from my past can help someone else overcome theirs, then I am indeed grateful that it happened.
Scott and I had to come to terms with our pasts, how our parents raised us, what we’d keep, what we have kept and how we’ve dealt with the stuff we didn’t want to keep. We realized that there were good things about our childhoods that we hoped our children would have. And there were many other things that we had already strived to keep out. And we've watched other parents saying to ourselves "we want to do that when we have kids." It's all a balancing act and the state wants to know how you are going to balance. If children are already in your home, then there is proof that you have at least a tiny bit of experience raising children.
There are some things that the home study with the state requires that border on the ridiculous. Ex: - prepping the house. I’ve never had kids prone to pulling things out from under the sinks. And frankly, I hate under cabinet locks. They pinch your fingers and end up breaking more often than not. But each sink now has locks. Alarms were updated and installed, fire extinguisher purchased, emergency ladder for the second floor, US life ring (an official one) was purchased along with “12 feet of safety line.” 12 feet, not 11 and 1/2. Got it.....12 feet. :) And the funniest thing to have to be fixed......the sign by the pool that reads “Call 911 in emergencies.” yep. Remember it’s 911. Ok, kiddies. Don’t forget.
Reliving the past is hard. Remembering all the things that your parents didn’t do right can cause problems with already strained relationships. Remembering what happened to you isn’t easy. Looking at your kids and knowing you screwed some things up that you now have to fix is also a hard reality. Hard.....but not impossible. And it Sure makes you realize how important repentance and forgiveness are. It sure does help make the atonement real. And very personal.
So what did I take away from the home study experience......
1. When you start working on the 11 pages of personal history that's taken you 6 hours to compose - save it. Save it again in a different spot on your computer, then email to your spouse or a friend cause it really sucks when you lose it all and have to start over! lol
2. Your past is just that - yours. And it defines who you are and how you've become the man or women you are today. Embrace it. Learn from it. Then forgive.
3. Embrace your spouses past. Scott and I have never kept secrets from each other. We already knew about all the fallacies from our pasts. All the mistakes we'd made. This was a good reminder of where we came from. It strengthened our relationship to remember all we'd been through together.
4. Our children have had to learn how to cope with being moved around most of their lives. C went to a different elementary for the first 5 years of her schooling. To this day she gets really stressed out 3 weeks before school starts. It's not pretty in our house. E went from being potty trained at 2, to peeing on the floor behind the couch at 3 1/2. We had to double his size 4 pants and shorts wardrobe to accommodate all the clothing in the wash. We still haven't gotten all the stains out of the carpets from when he 'colored' on them with halloween face paint or permanent markers. We learned the symptoms of ADD and how J has some of those tendencies and we're adjusting accordingly. And learning to adjust his diet to help relieve some of his irritable bowel syndrome. And that A screamed everyday all day for the first 5 years of his life. And we survived! We learned and lived and learned some more. And our children are better for it. And we're better for it.
5. Remembering your past problems sucks. However, I have some REALLY great friends who called me out of the blue to "see how I was doing." Heavenly Father knew just when to send them. And that I really needed to be reminded of friendships and their great ability to rescue a hurting heart. I love my friends for that!
6. You are not alone. You are never alone. And Heavenly Father, our ultimate creator, knows each of those tiny details, each happy, each sad, each joy and each sorrow. And He gave us an older brother to be our ultimate example.
So yes, reliving the past and scrambling to get your house up to code isn't pretty. But it isn't the end of the world either.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Adoption Journey Part 2 - Training
I've debated going into graphic detail about what we learned in the trainings. But then I realized that we've taken this step into the fostering/adoption world because we could handle the information. The rest of the world hasn't asked for this information, so I'm not going to go into detailed details.
But please be aware, you won't like hearing some of the things in this post. I need to write this for me. I also need to write this for others to fully understand what kind of a commitment we've made. Saving souls isn't always pretty.
April 2011
After requesting information about the 18 yr old girl, K and the 14 yr old boy, A, we got an email asking us if we'd completed our home study. Nope, not yet. Then we were sent information in the mail on how to register for classes. In the Indiana CPS system(child protective services), you have to take 20 hours of training for fostering and another 10 for adoption. I don't know what other states require. We were told that the classes were 3 Saturdays, back to back for the fostering and that the May classes were going to be the last ones before the system changed in July. So we hurried up and registered, got a sitter for each week and headed to Ft. Wayne (a 60 min drive).
We met other couples and singles that would be taking the class with us. Only 4 out of the 20+ were doing what we were doing - going straight to adoption. The rest were fostering or trying to get certified to get the foster money to take care of family members. Ages ranged from just out of college to grandparents trying to adopt a grandchild and everywhere in between.
I have to brag on the class. After the first weekend, no one dropped out. Let me explain how important this is. The first weekend is the weekend you need the entire box of kleenex. It's the weekend they show you the video of the children talking about what they've gone through. Hearing an adult explain something, then hearing the same explanation from a child's voice is heartbreaking. No, heart crushing. I've put the script from this one at the bottom. Then we were shown the video of what burns look like on a child. Not from fires, but from things. We heard about smearing (taking the poop & smearing it on walls & carpet). The constant bed wetting (even as teenagers). We saw the video of the kid who'd been in the foster system since he was 4 and had gone through 26 homes, had slept on a mattress on a basement floor that had an inch of water on it, had been taken from his 7 siblings, gone through severe abuses and committed suicide at 19. Or the girl in jail who told why she ended up there and what a brother had done to her and what she'd done to someone else and how awful she felt and how she felt like she'd never be ok again. All the unthinkable things that happen on a daily basis to children. All the hells they live in. Shock and Awe doesn't even cover it.
IF you can survive this weekend, IF you have the courage to show up again, then the state knows you're willing to fight for a child, you're willing to take all their mess and reshape it into something good. Or at least try. And that's all the state asks - is for you to try. And try again. And again.
We left that first training asking each other if this is what we really wanted to do. Yep. Crazy as it sounds, this is where we were being led. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle. We HAVE to have faith in Him or we won't survive the first day. Faith is faith - blind or otherwise.
Side note - during this time we also called LDS Social Services. Being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a natural route to go would be through them. We called the Indianapolis office and talked to the director. LDS Soc Serv is a private agency and we were told the state rarely goes through private agencies. If we wanted to have children from the foster system, then we needed to go through the states channels. Plus LDS Soc Serv catered more to the couple who couldn't have children or hadn't been able to yet. We have 4 biological and technically I could get pregnant again. We didn't qualify. And LDS Soc Serv rarely had children. They were almost exclusively baby driven. We didn't want a baby. We wanted a toddler, child or teen.
So we went back for 2 more Saturdays. Day's filled with parenting techniques, how to not compare your current children with incoming ones, how to connect with school teachers, councilors, clergy, social workers and the dozens and dozens of other people out there that can help you raise this child. We learned that our 4 children, although very similar in looks, were 4 very different children and that we parented them 4 different ways. This we knew, but we learned it wasn't common. That many parents can't figure out why one technique won't work when "it always has." Another blessing - Heavenly Father blessed us to learn how to parent different ways so we wouldn't be the ones going "it's always worked before."
As the end of May came, I realized that 18 yr old K wouldn't be part of our lives. We weren't finished with adoption training or our home study. And 14 yr old A was already placed with a family. So we continued to look at the children on the state website. But I was sad. I'd mentally gone through phone calls from college with K - "Mom, can you wire me $50 to cover rent this month." "Guess what!? I got my first job!" "Dad, theres this boy I want to bring home at Thanksgiving. Are you going to shoot him?" I'd already imagined what life would be like with A - sports, high school activities, college prep classes, hormones, dating. And then they weren't an option anymore. K graduated and moved into the adult world. Whether she was ready or not. I was sad for her. I was sad for me. A was placed in a home. I was happy for him! Truly. And I still hope he's doing well. He'll be a junior this year.
June - more training in Adoption. I'm not sure who was leading the class. We had a volunteer coordinator who tried to keep us on track, but the majority of the time was listening to the parents in there that had already adopted and were going through it again. What a vast source of knowledge! And the patience some of these parents had! I had a long way to go.
CPR on a dummy is just weird. It always had been for me as a child, but I figured I'm an adult, this should be ok now. Nope. Still weird. Another day was spent in CPR class, first aid training and universal precautions. Want to know what I really took away from this?? My children are SO accident prone. No wonder a broken arm doesn't phase me. A scrapped knee is nothing.
End of June - all trainings complete and certificates in hand! Woo hoo! Now it's time for the home study. Let's get going, there are children to adopt.
Sitting and waiting is Not a strength of mine. I prefer to dart in and out of traffic and go through my day full steam ahead. The state has other plans. We waited 2 months to be contacted for our home study. It was agony waiting for someone to call us to schedule a time to come out. When Doug finally did call, it was to verify our address so he could send us the paper work to fill out before he came. WOW! The paper work!
**There are graphic things written here. Pleased be advised, this is at least PG-13.**
I want to talk to you about what it feels like getting ready to be adopted, when you are a little kid who has already had about a hundred mothers.
When you can barely remember what your first mother smelled like.
When everyone spoke a different language in the place where you were born than in the place you are now.
When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around.
When, in the process of being moved all over the place, you lost some of your brothers and your sisters and a particular pair of shoes that felt just right and your absolutely most favorite cuddly, and a certain place on the inside of your last crib where you used to scratch with your fingernail to help yourself go to sleep.
Kids like me, see, don't have families of our own.
Because there's something wrong about us. (I guess) Or because there aren't enough to go around. Or something.
And I probably won't get one, either.
Or if I do, will it be too late for me to believe that they love me, and are going to stay with me?
So I want to talk to you, Big People, about these things, even though I am not sure you are real interested.
Are you the same Big People who keep doing these things to me in the first place? (Please don't get offended if I talk to all of you at once: caseworkers, foster parents, judges, adoptive parents. I just need to say how it all feels to me, and sometimes I can't get the cast of characters straight.)
Some people say that my first parents shook me until my eyeballs got loosened up, or they left me alone, or they gave me away, or they just ran away.
I guess you think, because of that, I am supposed to not miss them? (Because if I did it would sure make me lots more cooperative with all the plans you keep making for me.)
Should I just say, "They did the best they could" so I am not so ticked off and lonely and worried all the time about what the Big People are going to do next?
The truth is, I can't do any of these things: I can't forget. (Even when my brain does, my body won't.) I can't stop myself from yearning (even though later I will get quite good at playing games about this).
I'm not saying I was some cherished treasure or anything in my family. But what were you thinking when you sent big men in uniforms to grab me out of my screaming father's arms at eleven o'clock at night, scaring me to death? Or when you sent me to a foster home without telling them about the special ways I needed to be handled because I had never stayed anywhere long enough to get attached to anybody?
Or when you then took me from those people who were so disappointed in me after a few weeks that they said I would have to be "disrupted" (whatever that means).
So you sent me to a family with an older foster child who was mean to little kids because they were weak and small. And so he punched me a lot in secret. And pulled real hard on my penis in the middle of the night.
And when that family got rid of me, and the next, and the next, did you think I was going to take it all lying down? Did you think I was supposed to just be sweet and adorable and ready to connect to yet another family who were going to throw me away? (Could you have done that?)
After a while, I had just lost too many people that I might have cared about. I had been with too many "parents" who really weren't, because they couldn't hold me tightly in their hearts at all.
None of you got how I was being changed by all these losses, (in my heart and in my behavior).
After a while, I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. And mostly those ideas said that I was, by that time, in deep doo-doo.
I wasn't going to let anybody like me. Not even me.
And so, now, I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately. That I might ever grow to trust you. I am not, after all, a complete moron.
Are you ready to have me not believe you?
Are you ready for me to fight you for control?
Are you ready to hold me, and then hold me some more (when all the time I act like I don't want you to at all?)
Are you ready to really stay with me, through a battle that might last almost my whole growing up? Are you willing to feel as powerless as I do?
What will you think when I say I don't care a bit whether you go on vacation and leave me with Aunt Harriet, who I hardly know at all? Then, when you come back, are you ready to deal with me taking a dump in front of your bedroom door every single day for three whole weeks?
You see, it is like this, Big People: I'm not stupid. I was not blind. I do pay attention, because it matters lots to me.
And so when my first parents knocked me around or acted like I was invisible, or gave me to someone else to raise, or stood there screaming while you took me away from them, I noticed.
And when no one came to take their place, I noticed that too.
And when the orphanage didn't last, and the first half-dozen foster families didn't last, something started happening to me.
A little bit of my spirit started to die.
For some reason, then, I started pulling out my eyebrows. (I'm not sure what that has to do with my spirit dying.) I agree that it doesn't make much sense for me to join in with all the other people that have hurt me, by hurting myself. But I do it anyway.
So I bite on my hand, or dig at my face, or make a real bad sore on the top of my head from scratching myself.
I pull out clumps of my hair, and so the kids at preschool laugh, and Big People have an odd look on their faces when they see me.
I masturbate a lot to comfort myself. (I even let a dog lick me down there.) They say that sometimes I try to touch other kids down there.
Sometimes I run into the arms of strangers, like I have known them forever, and like I don't actually care anymore who I am safe with or not.
(Am I safe with anybody? Does it matter any more?)
Did I mention how much I am growing to hate smallness, and weakness and defenselessness? It's getting so the only thing I know how to do is to just be as tough as I can, and to try to rub out smallness and weakness wherever I see them:
And as little parts of my spirit keep dying, will it surprise you that I'm not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have permanent parents for me? Do you honestly think I am going to say, "Oh, I get it. You were just kidding all those other times, but this time you really mean it"?
And, so, do you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me) I'm going to get just a tad weird. I'm going to start banging my head more than I did before. I might start acting like a baby again and, even if I had gotten a little bit comfortable with my latest "parents" I'm going to go back to stiffening my body, and screaming at night, and doing everything I can to tell you that I don't want you to love me.
I can't stand all this talk about "permanence" and "adoption".
I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt.
So are you wondering what I need? Are you wondering what I would do about all of this if I had the power?
First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself:
Second, don't imagine that I will ever stop yearning for my birthfamily (even though, as in other things, I will pretend otherwise). Help me find some way to keep a connection with them, even if I never see them again. Bring out pictures, or a Life Book and hold me while I rage or sob or stare, or all of these at once. And understand that none of this is a reflection on you.
Don't be surprised when I come back from a visit with them peeing my pants or throwing tantrums in the bath that night.
I told you: things matter to me. So I am going to have feelings about things that matter to me.
Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them.
Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I can't tell what it is; later I'll learn that there was a court hearing that day and everybody in my life was wrought up and then it was "continued" (whatever that means - except mostly that nothing is getting decided, and I still don't have a family).
I don't get to make the decisions. You do. So have the courage to make them. So that I can get a life.
Fourth, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full. Sometimes they don't know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won't like what will happen if I keep getting disrupted, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take extra good care of the people that are taking care of me.
So have I told you anything that you wanted to know? Have I helped you to understand how we feel - all of us kids who fell into the world of foster care and adoption?
I know it is a burden for you to think so carefully about me, and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and affected by all that you do.
But you won't be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be Big People.
GIVE THAT A THOUGHT.
But please be aware, you won't like hearing some of the things in this post. I need to write this for me. I also need to write this for others to fully understand what kind of a commitment we've made. Saving souls isn't always pretty.
April 2011
After requesting information about the 18 yr old girl, K and the 14 yr old boy, A, we got an email asking us if we'd completed our home study. Nope, not yet. Then we were sent information in the mail on how to register for classes. In the Indiana CPS system(child protective services), you have to take 20 hours of training for fostering and another 10 for adoption. I don't know what other states require. We were told that the classes were 3 Saturdays, back to back for the fostering and that the May classes were going to be the last ones before the system changed in July. So we hurried up and registered, got a sitter for each week and headed to Ft. Wayne (a 60 min drive).
We met other couples and singles that would be taking the class with us. Only 4 out of the 20+ were doing what we were doing - going straight to adoption. The rest were fostering or trying to get certified to get the foster money to take care of family members. Ages ranged from just out of college to grandparents trying to adopt a grandchild and everywhere in between.
I have to brag on the class. After the first weekend, no one dropped out. Let me explain how important this is. The first weekend is the weekend you need the entire box of kleenex. It's the weekend they show you the video of the children talking about what they've gone through. Hearing an adult explain something, then hearing the same explanation from a child's voice is heartbreaking. No, heart crushing. I've put the script from this one at the bottom. Then we were shown the video of what burns look like on a child. Not from fires, but from things. We heard about smearing (taking the poop & smearing it on walls & carpet). The constant bed wetting (even as teenagers). We saw the video of the kid who'd been in the foster system since he was 4 and had gone through 26 homes, had slept on a mattress on a basement floor that had an inch of water on it, had been taken from his 7 siblings, gone through severe abuses and committed suicide at 19. Or the girl in jail who told why she ended up there and what a brother had done to her and what she'd done to someone else and how awful she felt and how she felt like she'd never be ok again. All the unthinkable things that happen on a daily basis to children. All the hells they live in. Shock and Awe doesn't even cover it.
IF you can survive this weekend, IF you have the courage to show up again, then the state knows you're willing to fight for a child, you're willing to take all their mess and reshape it into something good. Or at least try. And that's all the state asks - is for you to try. And try again. And again.
We left that first training asking each other if this is what we really wanted to do. Yep. Crazy as it sounds, this is where we were being led. Heavenly Father knows what we can handle. We HAVE to have faith in Him or we won't survive the first day. Faith is faith - blind or otherwise.
Side note - during this time we also called LDS Social Services. Being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a natural route to go would be through them. We called the Indianapolis office and talked to the director. LDS Soc Serv is a private agency and we were told the state rarely goes through private agencies. If we wanted to have children from the foster system, then we needed to go through the states channels. Plus LDS Soc Serv catered more to the couple who couldn't have children or hadn't been able to yet. We have 4 biological and technically I could get pregnant again. We didn't qualify. And LDS Soc Serv rarely had children. They were almost exclusively baby driven. We didn't want a baby. We wanted a toddler, child or teen.
So we went back for 2 more Saturdays. Day's filled with parenting techniques, how to not compare your current children with incoming ones, how to connect with school teachers, councilors, clergy, social workers and the dozens and dozens of other people out there that can help you raise this child. We learned that our 4 children, although very similar in looks, were 4 very different children and that we parented them 4 different ways. This we knew, but we learned it wasn't common. That many parents can't figure out why one technique won't work when "it always has." Another blessing - Heavenly Father blessed us to learn how to parent different ways so we wouldn't be the ones going "it's always worked before."
As the end of May came, I realized that 18 yr old K wouldn't be part of our lives. We weren't finished with adoption training or our home study. And 14 yr old A was already placed with a family. So we continued to look at the children on the state website. But I was sad. I'd mentally gone through phone calls from college with K - "Mom, can you wire me $50 to cover rent this month." "Guess what!? I got my first job!" "Dad, theres this boy I want to bring home at Thanksgiving. Are you going to shoot him?" I'd already imagined what life would be like with A - sports, high school activities, college prep classes, hormones, dating. And then they weren't an option anymore. K graduated and moved into the adult world. Whether she was ready or not. I was sad for her. I was sad for me. A was placed in a home. I was happy for him! Truly. And I still hope he's doing well. He'll be a junior this year.
June - more training in Adoption. I'm not sure who was leading the class. We had a volunteer coordinator who tried to keep us on track, but the majority of the time was listening to the parents in there that had already adopted and were going through it again. What a vast source of knowledge! And the patience some of these parents had! I had a long way to go.
CPR on a dummy is just weird. It always had been for me as a child, but I figured I'm an adult, this should be ok now. Nope. Still weird. Another day was spent in CPR class, first aid training and universal precautions. Want to know what I really took away from this?? My children are SO accident prone. No wonder a broken arm doesn't phase me. A scrapped knee is nothing.
End of June - all trainings complete and certificates in hand! Woo hoo! Now it's time for the home study. Let's get going, there are children to adopt.
Sitting and waiting is Not a strength of mine. I prefer to dart in and out of traffic and go through my day full steam ahead. The state has other plans. We waited 2 months to be contacted for our home study. It was agony waiting for someone to call us to schedule a time to come out. When Doug finally did call, it was to verify our address so he could send us the paper work to fill out before he came. WOW! The paper work!
Reading this last part is optional and a part of your innocence could be taken away by reading this. But I want to tell you of the deep faith and commitment I have to children. Reading this alone is helping me to be a better mom. Just because a child has gone through this, doesn't mean the children who don't need you any less. Read this if you choose.
Then go hug a child and read them a story. And tell a good mom and dad what a great job they are doing. You'll feel better when you do.
**There are graphic things written here. Pleased be advised, this is at least PG-13.**
The script from "A Young Child's Point of View."
In the video, the following script is delivered without the presence or voices of any adult. The words are displayed on the screen, with a child saying them.
When everyone spoke a different language in the place where you were born than in the place you are now.
When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around.
When, in the process of being moved all over the place, you lost some of your brothers and your sisters and a particular pair of shoes that felt just right and your absolutely most favorite cuddly, and a certain place on the inside of your last crib where you used to scratch with your fingernail to help yourself go to sleep.
Kids like me, see, don't have families of our own.
Because there's something wrong about us. (I guess) Or because there aren't enough to go around. Or something.
And I probably won't get one, either.
Or if I do, will it be too late for me to believe that they love me, and are going to stay with me?
So I want to talk to you, Big People, about these things, even though I am not sure you are real interested.
Are you the same Big People who keep doing these things to me in the first place? (Please don't get offended if I talk to all of you at once: caseworkers, foster parents, judges, adoptive parents. I just need to say how it all feels to me, and sometimes I can't get the cast of characters straight.)
Some people say that my first parents shook me until my eyeballs got loosened up, or they left me alone, or they gave me away, or they just ran away.
I guess you think, because of that, I am supposed to not miss them? (Because if I did it would sure make me lots more cooperative with all the plans you keep making for me.)
Should I just say, "They did the best they could" so I am not so ticked off and lonely and worried all the time about what the Big People are going to do next?
The truth is, I can't do any of these things: I can't forget. (Even when my brain does, my body won't.) I can't stop myself from yearning (even though later I will get quite good at playing games about this).
I'm not saying I was some cherished treasure or anything in my family. But what were you thinking when you sent big men in uniforms to grab me out of my screaming father's arms at eleven o'clock at night, scaring me to death? Or when you sent me to a foster home without telling them about the special ways I needed to be handled because I had never stayed anywhere long enough to get attached to anybody?
Or when you then took me from those people who were so disappointed in me after a few weeks that they said I would have to be "disrupted" (whatever that means).
So you sent me to a family with an older foster child who was mean to little kids because they were weak and small. And so he punched me a lot in secret. And pulled real hard on my penis in the middle of the night.
And when that family got rid of me, and the next, and the next, did you think I was going to take it all lying down? Did you think I was supposed to just be sweet and adorable and ready to connect to yet another family who were going to throw me away? (Could you have done that?)
After a while, I had just lost too many people that I might have cared about. I had been with too many "parents" who really weren't, because they couldn't hold me tightly in their hearts at all.
None of you got how I was being changed by all these losses, (in my heart and in my behavior).
After a while, I began to get some pretty bad ideas about how things work. And mostly those ideas said that I was, by that time, in deep doo-doo.
I wasn't going to let anybody like me. Not even me.
And so, now, I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately. That I might ever grow to trust you. I am not, after all, a complete moron.
Are you ready to have me not believe you?
Are you ready for me to fight you for control?
Are you ready to hold me, and then hold me some more (when all the time I act like I don't want you to at all?)
What will you think when I say I don't care a bit whether you go on vacation and leave me with Aunt Harriet, who I hardly know at all? Then, when you come back, are you ready to deal with me taking a dump in front of your bedroom door every single day for three whole weeks?
You see, it is like this, Big People: I'm not stupid. I was not blind. I do pay attention, because it matters lots to me.
And so when my first parents knocked me around or acted like I was invisible, or gave me to someone else to raise, or stood there screaming while you took me away from them, I noticed.
And when no one came to take their place, I noticed that too.
And when the orphanage didn't last, and the first half-dozen foster families didn't last, something started happening to me.
A little bit of my spirit started to die.
For some reason, then, I started pulling out my eyebrows. (I'm not sure what that has to do with my spirit dying.) I agree that it doesn't make much sense for me to join in with all the other people that have hurt me, by hurting myself. But I do it anyway.
So I bite on my hand, or dig at my face, or make a real bad sore on the top of my head from scratching myself.
I pull out clumps of my hair, and so the kids at preschool laugh, and Big People have an odd look on their faces when they see me.
I masturbate a lot to comfort myself. (I even let a dog lick me down there.) They say that sometimes I try to touch other kids down there.
Sometimes I run into the arms of strangers, like I have known them forever, and like I don't actually care anymore who I am safe with or not.
(Am I safe with anybody? Does it matter any more?)
Did I mention how much I am growing to hate smallness, and weakness and defenselessness? It's getting so the only thing I know how to do is to just be as tough as I can, and to try to rub out smallness and weakness wherever I see them:
In the kittens that get hung by the clothesline in the backyard and squished with a tennis racquet.
In the babies in my recent foster homes who turned up scratched.
In my own Self, which I attack, particularly when I am feeling small or scared, and I need to beat myself into more toughness.
And as little parts of my spirit keep dying, will it surprise you that I'm not exactly going to be overjoyed when you finally say you have permanent parents for me? Do you honestly think I am going to say, "Oh, I get it. You were just kidding all those other times, but this time you really mean it"?
And, so, do you want to hear something funny? Just about the time I am ready to get what everybody thought I needed (parents who are actually never going to leave me) I'm going to get just a tad weird. I'm going to start banging my head more than I did before. I might start acting like a baby again and, even if I had gotten a little bit comfortable with my latest "parents" I'm going to go back to stiffening my body, and screaming at night, and doing everything I can to tell you that I don't want you to love me.
I can't stand all this talk about "permanence" and "adoption".
I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as helpless and small as I have usually felt.
So are you wondering what I need? Are you wondering what I would do about all of this if I had the power?
First of all, it would help a lot if you would start with one simple, clear commandment to yourself:
Never forget that I am watching. Never forget that every single thing you do matters immensely to me (even when I work like crazy to make you think that it does not). And I will remember.You may be able to get away with treating me as if I am invisible for a while (perhaps long enough to "disrupt" me or move yourself to a different casework job). I was there, watching, I was having deep feelings about what was happening to me and I needed someone to act as if it mattered, hugely.
Second, don't imagine that I will ever stop yearning for my birthfamily (even though, as in other things, I will pretend otherwise). Help me find some way to keep a connection with them, even if I never see them again. Bring out pictures, or a Life Book and hold me while I rage or sob or stare, or all of these at once. And understand that none of this is a reflection on you.
Don't be surprised when I come back from a visit with them peeing my pants or throwing tantrums in the bath that night.
I told you: things matter to me. So I am going to have feelings about things that matter to me.
Third, it would help a lot if you would make the decisions that you need to make and stick with them.
Some days I think my mind is going to explode because I know something is going on in my life but I can't tell what it is; later I'll learn that there was a court hearing that day and everybody in my life was wrought up and then it was "continued" (whatever that means - except mostly that nothing is getting decided, and I still don't have a family).
I don't get to make the decisions. You do. So have the courage to make them. So that I can get a life.
Fourth, it would mean a lot to me if you would take good care of my foster family. They have their hands full. Sometimes they don't know what to do with me. So make sure someone is there to answer their questions, to encourage them, to help them understand me better. You won't like what will happen if I keep getting disrupted, and the only way I can think of to prevent that is to take extra good care of the people that are taking care of me.
So have I told you anything that you wanted to know? Have I helped you to understand how we feel - all of us kids who fell into the world of foster care and adoption?
I know it is a burden for you to think so carefully about me, and I know you might get a little nervous to realize that I am watching, and affected by all that you do.
But you won't be sorry if you take me seriously. Someday, see, I will be Big People.
GIVE THAT A THOUGHT.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Adoption Journey Part 1 - Deciding to Start
I need to document my journey for me. I thought others might like to know the process we've gone through as well. Each family has different stories, different children, different lives. This is our journey. Enjoy. :)
When Scott and I were dating, one of the questions we asked each other was "Are you willing to adopt?" Each of us said yes. We married and almost 2 years later, baby girl came along. Almost 3 years later (miscarriage in here, too), baby boy followed. Two more years, baby boy 2 and two more years baby boy 3. When baby boy 3 was 18 months old, I realized that we weren't pregnant. It was strange hitting that mark. I'd been pregnant or thinking about pregnancy for so long that having an 18 month old and not being pregnant was strange. But I was overwhelmed with the 4 I had. We'd moved away from family and had managed to survive a New York winter - all 6 months of it. So we decided to pray about getting pregnant. Heavenly Father would know if it was the right time for us and if I could handle another pregnancy. Because baby 4 had been the most difficult pregnancy. I was sick the entire time and the labor was awful and my doctor was less than helpful. Did I really want to get pregnant again? Would my body survive? The answers to our prayers were "not right now." I was a little relieved, but sad, too. Would I ever give birth again? A part of me then and now wants to have a better 'last child' labor story. A part of me wonders if I'll survive. So now what? The next question presented to the Lord, was "Do we adopt?" Again, "Not right now."
So we dug in and focused on raising the four children we had. Not an easy task, but we seemed to manage through a move back to Texas, then a year later a move to Indiana. All this time, we continued to pray about adoption and whether it was right the right time for us. Also during this time, we decided that my body shouldn't go through another pregnancy. I'm a highly independent women and Scott is a wonderfully easy going man. If he's worried about me being pregnant again, then pregnancy really isn't an option. We're grateful that we have that 'option' as many many couples don't. We ache for them and pray for them.
Once we were settled in Indiana, I googled 'Indiana adoptions' and the state website was at the top of the list. So I started looking around. When you start seeing pictures, your heart starts to yearn to help them. I researched what needed to be done, but didn't do anything. For 2 years, on and off, I'd look at the almost 100 children listed on the state website that were legally ready and waiting for adoption. I'd rejoice as a child disappeared, knowing that they'd found a home! It would make me sad, when month after month after month the same children were still on there. It was heartbreaking to watch the older ones age out. Would they ever find a forever family? One of my best friends in high school didn't find her forever family til she was in college. I have hope for these children that they will find a home to call home. Maybe one day with us. Maybe. :)
The Chicago Temple is our closest temple (currently). Since Scott and I don't know anyone in Chicago to watch our kids and we didn't want to leave them with a sitter in Warsaw, we brought them along and traded time in the temple. I decided to do sealings that day and was sitting in a beautiful room waiting for another couple to finish before I joined them. I received some very poignant and very beautiful revelation that day. After my time in the Temple, I knew it was time to adopt.
Shortly after, we were at home watching the April 2011 General Conference and talk after talk after talk was about welfare, family, sealings, Christ and eternity. The feelings I'd had in the temple were magnified. "Scott, it's time to pray about adoption."
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2011/04?lang=eng
It's not uncommon for one spouse to be more onboard than the other. Where my answers were very strong, his were a little more luke warm. But he agreed to start the process (and no I didn't badger him to do it. This is eternity we're talking about. If my eternal companion isn't onboard, we're sunk.)
We looked at the profiles of children on the state website and picked two that looked like they could be part of our family. One was a girl born in Russia that had had a terrible life in the states and needed a forever family. She was 18 and would graduate out of the system as soon as she graduated from high school in May 2011. Our time was short if we were going to have her in our home. The other was a 14 year old young man who was a great kid! He'd just been dealt a terrible hand.
We requested information on both children and our journey began.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/sacrifice?lang=eng&query=adopt
When Scott and I were dating, one of the questions we asked each other was "Are you willing to adopt?" Each of us said yes. We married and almost 2 years later, baby girl came along. Almost 3 years later (miscarriage in here, too), baby boy followed. Two more years, baby boy 2 and two more years baby boy 3. When baby boy 3 was 18 months old, I realized that we weren't pregnant. It was strange hitting that mark. I'd been pregnant or thinking about pregnancy for so long that having an 18 month old and not being pregnant was strange. But I was overwhelmed with the 4 I had. We'd moved away from family and had managed to survive a New York winter - all 6 months of it. So we decided to pray about getting pregnant. Heavenly Father would know if it was the right time for us and if I could handle another pregnancy. Because baby 4 had been the most difficult pregnancy. I was sick the entire time and the labor was awful and my doctor was less than helpful. Did I really want to get pregnant again? Would my body survive? The answers to our prayers were "not right now." I was a little relieved, but sad, too. Would I ever give birth again? A part of me then and now wants to have a better 'last child' labor story. A part of me wonders if I'll survive. So now what? The next question presented to the Lord, was "Do we adopt?" Again, "Not right now."
So we dug in and focused on raising the four children we had. Not an easy task, but we seemed to manage through a move back to Texas, then a year later a move to Indiana. All this time, we continued to pray about adoption and whether it was right the right time for us. Also during this time, we decided that my body shouldn't go through another pregnancy. I'm a highly independent women and Scott is a wonderfully easy going man. If he's worried about me being pregnant again, then pregnancy really isn't an option. We're grateful that we have that 'option' as many many couples don't. We ache for them and pray for them.
Once we were settled in Indiana, I googled 'Indiana adoptions' and the state website was at the top of the list. So I started looking around. When you start seeing pictures, your heart starts to yearn to help them. I researched what needed to be done, but didn't do anything. For 2 years, on and off, I'd look at the almost 100 children listed on the state website that were legally ready and waiting for adoption. I'd rejoice as a child disappeared, knowing that they'd found a home! It would make me sad, when month after month after month the same children were still on there. It was heartbreaking to watch the older ones age out. Would they ever find a forever family? One of my best friends in high school didn't find her forever family til she was in college. I have hope for these children that they will find a home to call home. Maybe one day with us. Maybe. :)
The Chicago Temple is our closest temple (currently). Since Scott and I don't know anyone in Chicago to watch our kids and we didn't want to leave them with a sitter in Warsaw, we brought them along and traded time in the temple. I decided to do sealings that day and was sitting in a beautiful room waiting for another couple to finish before I joined them. I received some very poignant and very beautiful revelation that day. After my time in the Temple, I knew it was time to adopt.
Shortly after, we were at home watching the April 2011 General Conference and talk after talk after talk was about welfare, family, sealings, Christ and eternity. The feelings I'd had in the temple were magnified. "Scott, it's time to pray about adoption."
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2011/04?lang=eng
It's not uncommon for one spouse to be more onboard than the other. Where my answers were very strong, his were a little more luke warm. But he agreed to start the process (and no I didn't badger him to do it. This is eternity we're talking about. If my eternal companion isn't onboard, we're sunk.)
We looked at the profiles of children on the state website and picked two that looked like they could be part of our family. One was a girl born in Russia that had had a terrible life in the states and needed a forever family. She was 18 and would graduate out of the system as soon as she graduated from high school in May 2011. Our time was short if we were going to have her in our home. The other was a 14 year old young man who was a great kid! He'd just been dealt a terrible hand.
We requested information on both children and our journey began.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/sacrifice?lang=eng&query=adopt
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