After the sibling group of three was no longer an option, we sat back to wait. Profiles came in and out of the inbox and in and out of the online website. When would another group show up? When would a child be in our lives?
We kept our children updated on all status's. After a while, I think they just got tired of hearing about them. Not that they weren't excited or interested, there were just so many. Each one we read had to be a decision to press forward or not.
In the process of deciding, home studies, profiles and your own crazy life, you get to evaluate and re-evaluate your home, your patterns of behavior, your systems (chores, meals, laundry, etc) and the state of your home, your body & your life. This was going to be the first time having a new child and not having my body involved. An interesting scenario. While there is a connection that is made with your unborn child and your new born, there is also a tremendous toll taken on your body. Dad's never experience this, so they're good to go. Lucky guys! But women do and I was interested (still am) about how much this was going to be different.
If your a fan of FLY lady, you'll know her mantra is "Finally Loving Yourself" and that we have house clutter, body clutter, life clutter. In the mix of all our daily life things, we opened a business (Shaved Ice) and when that was done, I went back to work (cafeteria lady). Both were great. The business would be a great solution for the summer job dilemmas our children would face, we'd make enough (hopefully) to pay for some of their college & missions & the cost was relatively low to start up. When the season closed at summers end, the cafeteria job was a great solution to help pay for the loan payment on the business. I'd only work when the kids were in school & only a few hours a day.
But I'm an overachiever and I added more and more to my plate. I was still teaching piano lessons & was a mega volunteer for the local parent/teacher group at the junior high. My days were packed and my life was, too. 3 weeks of this and I was done. I couldn't be super mom and survive. It was time to evaluate what was really important to keep and what had to go.
I liked the job. It was helping cover the loans and the women I worked with were awesome. But I needed to go to substitute status. That was a great solution. I would have time to do my projects & time to work. And being out of the house that much really helped me figure out what was really important at home and what had to go. FLY lady - take over!
I'd spent so much time filling my life and my house with "things" that I was swimming in clutter. My constant activity with the kids was chores. BORING! They hated it. I hated it. Don't get me wrong, they still have chores, but we are getting the rooms cleaned out and the messes are being coming .... less. Less mess, less clutter, less unnecessary clothing, toys, books, games, craft supplies, garage supplies, food we weren't eating (a recipe called for capers & I couldn't make it, so I held onto the jar for far too long. It had to go cause I wasn't going to be using capers in anything). My pantry was shaping into foods we'd actually eat, my menus were coming together, meal times were better, chore times were better. It was just getting better.
But the best thing that came out of all this dumping- EBC! Extra Brain Capacity! It was awesome! I started focusing on my boundaries and what I would allow in my life and what I wouldn't. The toddler books and games got boxed up for a "just in case we get a toddler". The mass amount of clothes in my teenage girls room was boxed up for a younger cousin. The books that were torn in half, but still kept getting shelved, gone. The decor that the previous owners had left that I'd spent the last 4 years trying to make work with my decor (and not succeeding) - gone. Four 30 gallon trash bags full from the Den alone!
And I'm not done going through the house. This week, the boys room is getting attacked. Two weeks ago it was the girls. Many people go through this process, and some (lucky!) never have to deal with clutter. I come from a long line of "keep it, we might need that some day." And yes, there are things that I totally need and use! It's cool. But there are SO many more things that have to go.
In the process of waiting, I've gotten the wonderful chance to dump my clutter. It's still going. I read it takes a professional organizer 12 - 15 hours per room to get it into shape. And that's a pro! So I give myself time to get it all together. And I'm loving the EBC that comes with it. I'm becoming a better mom and wife and I'm learning how to say no to the things that really don't matter.
I've needed this time to get ready. To prepare. And Heavenly Father knew I needed this time. Because He knew we'd get an email that would change our summer.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 6 - The first time we said Yes
I've apologized for leaving you hanging on the last post, but I've been informed that all posts leave you hanging. Thanks for being patient with me! :)
So....we said yes to I, K & J. They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively. Fabulous! They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between. Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions. Reaction 1 - Wow! That's so awesome that you would keep them together! Reaction 2 - Are you nuts!? You have 4 and now your adding 3 more! That's 7 you know. (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)
Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children. We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate). We also have the desire. And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us. And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.
It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you. No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!
We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder. Meaning? When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.) Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form. She isn't able to bond with a human. As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone. And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best. Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.
Is there help? Yes. There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections. You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there. You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains. Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward. It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists. And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).
Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more? Because I was raised by people who never gave up. Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up. When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5). She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again. She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again. I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar. I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us. There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us. Anything.
I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it. Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them. Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend. Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything. Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.
Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly. We knew we could handle 7 year old K. And that we could help her. And that somewhere in there, she could help us.
But the state is not new at this job. This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD. It's not the first time they've told someone "No." Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children." Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this. Was this a concern of ours from the beginning? Yes, of course. We would Never put out children in danger. But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.
We could have done. We would have done it. We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes. As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes. But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.
So....we said yes to I, K & J. They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively. Fabulous! They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between. Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions. Reaction 1 - Wow! That's so awesome that you would keep them together! Reaction 2 - Are you nuts!? You have 4 and now your adding 3 more! That's 7 you know. (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)
Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children. We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate). We also have the desire. And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us. And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.
It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you. No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!
We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder. Meaning? When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.) Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form. She isn't able to bond with a human. As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone. And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best. Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.
Is there help? Yes. There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections. You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there. You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains. Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward. It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists. And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).
Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more? Because I was raised by people who never gave up. Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up. When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5). She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again. She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again. I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar. I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us. There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us. Anything.
I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it. Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them. Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend. Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything. Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.
Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly. We knew we could handle 7 year old K. And that we could help her. And that somewhere in there, she could help us.
But the state is not new at this job. This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD. It's not the first time they've told someone "No." Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children." Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this. Was this a concern of ours from the beginning? Yes, of course. We would Never put out children in danger. But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.
We could have done. We would have done it. We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes. As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes. But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.
Friday, October 5, 2012
Adoption Journey - Part 5 - The Real Profiles, the Lost Sheep.
All the parenting in the world and all the training in the world will not prepare you for the harsh reality of those first full profiles. Not at all. You can conjure up all sorts of scenarios in your head, but until you read that first one, you really have no clue what these kids go through.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Adoption Journey Part 4 - SNAP approval
On March 12, 2012 we received a phone call from Doug saying we'd been SNAP (special needs adoption program) approved! We'd finished our home study 3 months before that and had waited and waited to get the "approval!" We were one month away from being in the process a full year. Wow time flies!
We decided to celebrate, so we took the kids to Ruby Tuesday for dinner that night. When you are SNAP approved, you have access to all the profiles online. It takes several days to several weeks to get info back on the child/children you request. This day, I only had access to the general profiles. No details. I printed off 30 or so profiles and presented them to the family.
Our children have been involved in the entire process. We tailor information based on their ages, but over all they have been involved in everything. So we took the profiles to the kids and voted. Some of the kids voted on looks or qualities these children possessed. Would they make a good big or little brother or sister? Did they like animals because we have 2 dogs and a cat? What did they want to be when they grew up? Things like that.
Scott and I read in-between the lines. A profile that read "two parent home with older children" meant - don't have any little kids, cause they could get hurt. So we veto'd those. Others that would say "needs close supervision while providing structure and a safe environment" usually meant, "this kids are going to take up all of you time and energies because he/she needs that. How much time are you willing to take away from your current children?" Tough decision.
So we evaluated each of the 30 or so profiles and came up with a top 10 as a family. Then Scott and I went to work narrowing down the field to our top 3, then the top 2. We prayed about which child would be ours. We wanted it to work out so desperately.
We requested information on 15 year old K and 12 year old J. What we got back shocked us to the core of our souls. What on earth did we sign up for? And how on earth were we going to get through it?
We decided to celebrate, so we took the kids to Ruby Tuesday for dinner that night. When you are SNAP approved, you have access to all the profiles online. It takes several days to several weeks to get info back on the child/children you request. This day, I only had access to the general profiles. No details. I printed off 30 or so profiles and presented them to the family.
Our children have been involved in the entire process. We tailor information based on their ages, but over all they have been involved in everything. So we took the profiles to the kids and voted. Some of the kids voted on looks or qualities these children possessed. Would they make a good big or little brother or sister? Did they like animals because we have 2 dogs and a cat? What did they want to be when they grew up? Things like that.
Scott and I read in-between the lines. A profile that read "two parent home with older children" meant - don't have any little kids, cause they could get hurt. So we veto'd those. Others that would say "needs close supervision while providing structure and a safe environment" usually meant, "this kids are going to take up all of you time and energies because he/she needs that. How much time are you willing to take away from your current children?" Tough decision.
So we evaluated each of the 30 or so profiles and came up with a top 10 as a family. Then Scott and I went to work narrowing down the field to our top 3, then the top 2. We prayed about which child would be ours. We wanted it to work out so desperately.
We requested information on 15 year old K and 12 year old J. What we got back shocked us to the core of our souls. What on earth did we sign up for? And how on earth were we going to get through it?
Adoption Journey Part 3 - The home study
“Honesty is the best policy.” How many times have we heard that line? But is it? IS Honesty the best policy. Yes it is, but there are many different levels of honesty.
I’ve sat on this post, so far, the longest amount of time. The Home Study is designed to dig out all the elements of your life so that you can best be matched to a child with similar problems/personalities. Sounds reasonable. Until you try to do that with a complete stranger - your home study specialist.
I’ve debated what to put in this post. There are things from my past that help others realize I’m not a spoiled white girl that was raised in the lap of luxury with a silver spoon in her mouth. Far from it! But when people repent and try to fix their past, is it good to go back and let it resurface over and over? For the world of adoption, yes. Yes it is required to relive and retell all that has ever happened to you to make you who you are today. Because the state needs to know how you’ve overcome your past hurts. They need to know how you succeeded and how you are going to help a child/children overcome the same problems. There are many many details that had to be shared with Doug, our case worker. For this post, I’m going to leave the details out.
Suffice it to say, I’ve suffered every form of abuse - verbal, physical, emotional and sexual. You don’t need to know specifics, who, when and where. You just need to know that I’ve survived all of these things. And Scott has been subjected to verbal, physical and emotional abuses. I’m grateful he never suffered from being sexually abused. And, as strange as it sounds, I’m grateful for the things that have happened to me.
WHAT?!!? Grateful - she’s really nuts now. We thought she was crazy before. You know, having 4 kids and then wanting to adopt more! But now she’s actually grateful for abuse!??! e.x.p.l.a.i.n.
Have you ever sat with someone and watched them cry over a hurt and have had absolutely no idea how to help them because you can’t even imagine what they’ve gone through, much less relate? Or the other side of it, have you known exactly how to help them because you’ve been there, done that, don’t even ask for a t-shirt? I HATE feeling out of control!! And I don’t like to see others suffer. So if something bad from my past can help someone else overcome theirs, then I am indeed grateful that it happened.
Scott and I had to come to terms with our pasts, how our parents raised us, what we’d keep, what we have kept and how we’ve dealt with the stuff we didn’t want to keep. We realized that there were good things about our childhoods that we hoped our children would have. And there were many other things that we had already strived to keep out. And we've watched other parents saying to ourselves "we want to do that when we have kids." It's all a balancing act and the state wants to know how you are going to balance. If children are already in your home, then there is proof that you have at least a tiny bit of experience raising children.
There are some things that the home study with the state requires that border on the ridiculous. Ex: - prepping the house. I’ve never had kids prone to pulling things out from under the sinks. And frankly, I hate under cabinet locks. They pinch your fingers and end up breaking more often than not. But each sink now has locks. Alarms were updated and installed, fire extinguisher purchased, emergency ladder for the second floor, US life ring (an official one) was purchased along with “12 feet of safety line.” 12 feet, not 11 and 1/2. Got it.....12 feet. :) And the funniest thing to have to be fixed......the sign by the pool that reads “Call 911 in emergencies.” yep. Remember it’s 911. Ok, kiddies. Don’t forget.
Reliving the past is hard. Remembering all the things that your parents didn’t do right can cause problems with already strained relationships. Remembering what happened to you isn’t easy. Looking at your kids and knowing you screwed some things up that you now have to fix is also a hard reality. Hard.....but not impossible. And it Sure makes you realize how important repentance and forgiveness are. It sure does help make the atonement real. And very personal.
So what did I take away from the home study experience......
1. When you start working on the 11 pages of personal history that's taken you 6 hours to compose - save it. Save it again in a different spot on your computer, then email to your spouse or a friend cause it really sucks when you lose it all and have to start over! lol
2. Your past is just that - yours. And it defines who you are and how you've become the man or women you are today. Embrace it. Learn from it. Then forgive.
3. Embrace your spouses past. Scott and I have never kept secrets from each other. We already knew about all the fallacies from our pasts. All the mistakes we'd made. This was a good reminder of where we came from. It strengthened our relationship to remember all we'd been through together.
4. Our children have had to learn how to cope with being moved around most of their lives. C went to a different elementary for the first 5 years of her schooling. To this day she gets really stressed out 3 weeks before school starts. It's not pretty in our house. E went from being potty trained at 2, to peeing on the floor behind the couch at 3 1/2. We had to double his size 4 pants and shorts wardrobe to accommodate all the clothing in the wash. We still haven't gotten all the stains out of the carpets from when he 'colored' on them with halloween face paint or permanent markers. We learned the symptoms of ADD and how J has some of those tendencies and we're adjusting accordingly. And learning to adjust his diet to help relieve some of his irritable bowel syndrome. And that A screamed everyday all day for the first 5 years of his life. And we survived! We learned and lived and learned some more. And our children are better for it. And we're better for it.
5. Remembering your past problems sucks. However, I have some REALLY great friends who called me out of the blue to "see how I was doing." Heavenly Father knew just when to send them. And that I really needed to be reminded of friendships and their great ability to rescue a hurting heart. I love my friends for that!
6. You are not alone. You are never alone. And Heavenly Father, our ultimate creator, knows each of those tiny details, each happy, each sad, each joy and each sorrow. And He gave us an older brother to be our ultimate example.
So yes, reliving the past and scrambling to get your house up to code isn't pretty. But it isn't the end of the world either.
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