All the parenting in the world and all the training in the world will not prepare you for the harsh reality of those first full profiles. Not at all. You can conjure up all sorts of scenarios in your head, but until you read that first one, you really have no clue what these kids go through.
I later learned that the first two we picked were the worst two. It was sobering to say the least.
When you look at an initial profile, you see the best qualities a child has - their favorite things, their future career goals, their love of animals, or wanting to have a big brother or sister, things like that. The full profiles - that are only available once you've been approved by the state - contain all the info they can gather. It's good to know. I think.
15 year old K - Because her mom didn't protect her (even though she said she would), K ended up in the system to initially be protected. But the damage had been done and a group home was determined to be the best place to help her smooth out a transition into a traditional home. She has issues with stealing, lying, food hoarding, manipulation, sexual boundaries, defiance, impulse control, running away, etc. She has ADHD, depression, post traumatic stress disorder, mild retardation (low IQ) & indications of having RAD (reactive attachment disorder). The last one was the clincher.
The document is 6 pages long and outlines when, where & why she was pulled in and out of different placements. Placements - what an awful word. Not homes, not families - placements, because not all of them were homes or families.
As I read through her profile, I realized that I couldn't do a single thing to help this child. As much as I wanted to provide a home for her, to love her, to care for her, I have 4 little spirits at home that I have to protect first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to protect them from K's lyings & manipulations. And that's not a risk I'm wiling to take.
We got 12 year old J's profile at the same time. J is the only one of 5 siblings not adopted. The rest have been adopted together. The reason - his aggressiveness. He hurts other children and adults and himself. I won't even go on about the other issues he has (the list is long). That one thing stopped it all. I can't have him hurting other children (including himself). Period.
I bawled. I called my mom and cried and cried and cried. These two kiddos were so damaged, I couldn't help them. Me, who've felt like my role in life, my purpose, my very existence is to be a mother. And here are two children who desperately need a mother and that mother isn't me. It can't be me. I'm crying as I reread this. It breaks my heart.
Scott was just as shocked. "We can't do this if they're all like this." I know. Holy Cow did I know.
Then what was the purpose? Why did we feel so strongly we should do this - this whole process of going through the state? Of getting damaged kids with the insanely strong hope that they could be healed.
Then I was reminded of ALL the promptings I'd received. I could not, would not, deny what I'd felt. I still KNEW that we were on the right path. I felt it to the core of my being.
But I cried. It didn't matter that K loved children and animals or that J was funny and liked to please others. I couldn't help them.
The Savior, the Good Shepard, left the ninety and nine and went after the one. That one lost sheep that had gotten in over it's head. The rest of the sheep were safely back at home. The Shepard had already gotten them there. But this sheep had a wondering spirit. It wanted to see and experience new things. But the sheep didn't like what it experienced. Blinded by the storms, it went in the wrong direction. It climbed up a rocky ledge and became stuck. The sheep could neither move forward nor back. It would either have to be rescued or perish. And perish is would have, whether it had jumped off the ledge, or starved. But the Shepard was aware of this little sheep. He knew the land and he knew the paths that could be taken. He went after the sheep and found it. Rescued it. And then carried it home. We know not whether the sheep resisted the help. Typically they do. A hurt and scared animal isn't easily won over. They resist it for a little while. They buck and kick and scream. But, exhaustion, and the great need to be taken care of and loved, win out. The sheep relaxed and the Shepard carried hit home.
When we received the first 2 profiles, there were almost 100 children available for adoption. We requested information on at least a dozen more. Brothers, sisters, sibling groups, single children, children who needed visitation with siblings that were adopted into other homes, children who needed visitations with other family members, children with ADHD, childhood bi-polar, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, IEPs, special therapies, RAD, etc, etc, etc. The lists are long. But the problems are reversible. No, that's not the right word. You can't reverse their pasts. But you can help them cope, give them tools to heal their troubled little souls. You can teach them compassion and how to cook and sew and laugh and play and function. You can help them be successful. You can teach them about the Savior.
But for us, for us it came down to the one. There was one child, one sibling group, that would fit our family. One that would be able to fit into our group and for us to fit with them.
As we searched, the SNAP specialists now had our info. As the school year rounds to a close, what better time of year than summer to transition children into a new home. My inbox was flooded with children, mostly sibling groups, in need of forever families. One email contained a sibling group of 3. We felt drawn to them. Separately, Scott and I both felt like these 3 could work in our family. They were ages 5, 7, & 8. Perfect! They'd squeeze right into our family. We were thrilled - and a little crazy - that we'd found our children. Or at least we hoped we'd found our children! As you've seen so far though, this is such a huge emotional roller coaster. We'd found our children. The state had other thoughts.
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