Adoption Journey - Part 6 - The first time we said Yes

I've apologized for leaving you hanging on the last post, but I've been informed that all posts leave you hanging.  Thanks for being patient with me! :)

So....we said yes to I, K & J.  They're 9, 7 & 6 respectively.  Fabulous!  They'd slip right in-between the boys leaving C as the oldest child & E as the youngest and 5 in between.  Now, when you look at adopting a sibling group and you already have children of your own, you are going to get one of two reactions.  Reaction 1 - Wow!  That's so awesome that you would keep them together!  Reaction  2 - Are you nuts!?  You have 4 and now your adding 3 more!  That's 7 you know.  (this is when I start laughing - like I can't add!)

Ok, so we're wanting to adopt 3 more children.  We've got the room (state approved spaces for children need to be 50 sq ft of bedroom space/child, no beds in closets or basements, boys & girls separate).  We also have the desire.  And with them being young enough to teach and old enough to be independent, we felt this was a good fit for us.  And Most importantly - Heavenly Father gave the thumbs up, too.

It's an incredible feeling to know that Heavenly Father in behind you.  No matter how crazy your decision, or how mixed up you feel, when Heavenly Father has your back, you CAN do anything!

We needed to know this for a certainty because K (the only girl in the group) was diagnosed with RAD - reactive attachment disorder.  Meaning?  When she was a baby, her mother didn't hold her, her diapers weren't changed in a timely manner, her father didn't touch her - no one had any contact with her. She was barely fed and rarely diaper changed (at the adults convenience, not when she needed it.)  Because of this neglect, the connections in her brain that build bonds doesn't form.  She isn't able to bond with a human.  As a result, children like this aren't able to form relationships with anyone.  And the violence that goes along with that "Lost"feeling is extreme at best.  Things you would Never imagine a child doing happen with these kids daily.

Is there help?  Yes.  There are intense therapies that can be done that basically take them back to the very beginning and reset their brain connections.  You create an environment similar to the womb and go from there.  You and therapists work consistently on retraining their brains.  Then they are able to attach to humans and move forward.  It's a very exhausting, very long process that requires 100% dedication from the parents and therapists.  And I thought I could do it (see the paragraph about Heavenly Father being behind you).

Now what on earth would make me think I could handle a child like this plus 6 more?  Because I was raised by people who never gave up.  Because my husband was raised by people who never gave up.  When my cousin sexually molested me, my mom spent every night by my bed for over a year holding me til I feel asleep ( I was 5).  She sang me songs, she rubbed my back, she held me in her lap and she taught me over and over and over that I could pray again.  She taught me to trust Heavenly Father again.  I knew I could do this because she'd done something similar.  I knew we could create a safe home for her and for the other 6 children because my father had created a safe home for us.  There was Never a doubt in my mind that he would do Anything to protect us.  Anything.

I knew Scott could do it because his mother had raised 10 children and was still sane at the end of it.  Because she'd endured surgeries and broken bodies and therapies with her children and still managed to raise the rest of them.  Because she'd spent hours upon hours doing school work with them and songs and church activities and family home evenings teaching them that the Savior was their guide, guardian and friend.  Scott could do this because his father was able to figure out how to build, fix or work on anything.  Because, even though he was a Major in the military and was gone many times, there was always love in the home and everyone was cared for.

Our families persevered through highs and lows, the good, the bad and the down right ugly.  We knew we could handle 7 year old K.  And that we could help her.  And that somewhere in there, she could help us.

But the state is not new at this job.  This is not the first time that they've placed sibling groups or children with RAD.  It's not the first time they've told someone "No."  Our answer came in the form of an email - "At this time we feel that I, K & J would be better suited for a family with older children."  Meaning - our kids were too young to handle this.  Was this a concern of ours from the beginning?  Yes, of course.  We would Never put out children in danger.  But the state has seen many many cases of mis-matching families and we are glad that they know better than us.

We could have done.  We would have done it.  We knew that Heavenly Father had said yes.  As crazy and insane as it looked on paper, he'd said yes.  But we're grateful that the state said no. And we hope and pray that I, K & J are happy in their new home and that their parents are able to be they type of parents these three needed.